No matter the storm, when you trust GOD, there is always a rainbow waiting!!

That is right, this momma is pregnant AGAIN!!! We are super excited and really early so please keep this off of Facebook. Our decision to announce our new little one this soon is to ask for prayer and support from anyone out there that is willing to send it our way!!! Although our hearts are always open to life, we also know that God is in control. M and I are just happy to be able to provide this baby with love and life as long as he/she is with us. THANKS BE TO GOD!!!

A New Semester and the Grief Continues

So today was a whirl wind. I began my 2nd semester of school...OB/Peds. Not too crazy about the test given 2 days before the semester even began, but hey...what can you do except do your best and move on, hopefully. It was a busy day but the second I actually got to sit down, alone, my mind was right back in the middle of my grief and I was sobbing- missing my sweet baby.

I can handle the tears and the heartache. It's not fun and it hurts like hell, but I can do that. What I can't stand though, is the fact that I have loads of work for school piling up on top of my part time job and the tutoring that I will be doing for 1st semester students. The semester hasn't even officially begun yet and there is actually no time for me to be able to grieve. The tears and emotions I can juggle, but time is of the essence. I guess being a BLM, you not only have to deal with life, your loss and grief, but you get the added bonus of having to schedule your grief in the midst of it all. I guess that is just another one of the major disadvantages of loosing a little one. I can't spend too much time here because I have too much else I need to be doing, but I have to do something to process these feelings so here I am.

God I would give anything to be elbow deep in a 1 year old little boys needs and messes right now, instead of wading knee deep in grief. It would be easier to have all of the stuff I have to do now with him here than to be stuck where I am right now. Not a good day today folks.

I found this from Oct. 15th, 2010

I am having one of those days today. I had a dream about Michael last night. He was alive and I was holding him in our rocking chair. He was swaddled in the amazing blue blanket with is name sewn in it that Mike and I got for a baby shower gift. I was carefully taking in every minute of our time together, because somehow within the dream, I knew he was dead, but I swear this imaginary state of mind could not have felt more real. I could smell him, that sweet baby powder smell, almost as if the dream had started the moment after I had bathed him, changed his diaper, and soothed him with heavenly lotion. I could feel his warm soft skin, his hair on my cheek as I pulled him close to me and embraced his tender little body. I gently tucked my finger into his little hand and I could feel each one of his fingers grasping it. His skin was pressed firmly to mine and I felt that deep sensation of safety and warmth, the emotional connection that you are suppose to have with a living, breathing child. Every movement that we had together during that special visit, he made just for me. I heard him laugh, coo and he was even opening his eyes as wide as he could. I just stared into them, so full of life, and drank in that eye to eye connection that I never got to experience the day he was born. God he was....no is so beautiful. I have been praying for one of these dreams where he would come to say hello, but now that I am awake and I realize that it was all a dream....its pretty bittersweet. I am grateful for that dream, but I am so utterly distraught at the fact that I will never get to experience those real, intense and perfect moments with my little boy because he is dead. I know his spirit is being taken care of, but it does nothing for the raw and carnal emotions I have to want to nurture, feed and hold my baby. Today is suppose to be a day to remember him and the rest of the precious ones that have gone before us, and I will, but mostly today I am grieving the loss of what was expected for me and my child. All the moments I was suppose to be holding him, just like in my dream. I will be spending this day in an empty nursery, rocking in our rocking chair, holding a small blue corduroy bear wrapped in a blanket that Mike and I got for a baby shower gift with the name Michael sewn into it.

In memory of our son.....

We would love to include you all in the celebration of our sweet little boy's life, so we invite you to help us make another little baby's life better. Mike and I are asking that if you are close to us and would like to show us some love and support on this day, then please donate the gift that you would have given Michael to a local non-profit organization, called Mother to Mother. They help new families in Nashville provide some of the basic essentials for their newborns if they are unable to. There is also an option to make a monetary donation via PayPal if you are not in the area.

If not, then just take a picture of something that reminds you of Michael and post it here. We are planning a quite day, just the 2 of us together. After purchasing some things that we would have liked to have gotten for Michael, we will tag the gifts with a small "In loving memory of MFL,II" sticker and take them to the Mother to Mother office.

If you want to donate an actual gift, but live far away, you can have things sent to our home and we will take them to the Mother to Mother office on Michael's birthday (Aug. 12th) with all of the other stuff we plan to take. Our address is 1712 Ordway Place Nashville TN 37206

For those of you who have growing little ones, we can take gently used clothing and other baby items if you have some that you would like to donate. If you are in the area, Mike and I will be available to pick these items up from your home or office if it would help you get your donations to the Mother to Mother office and families. Contact me and we can set up a pickup place and time that is convenient for you.

Here is a link for more information about the Mother to Mother program..

http://www.mothertomotheri​nc.org/wish-list.php


And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” Luke 23:43

The month before...

So I started off the countdown at a great pace. I thought I was going to make it through the next 27 days without going bonkers but tonight, that has proven to be untrue. I would like to know how a BLM who is not expecting a rainbow is suppose to get through this, the first birthday. I started off strong by planning to put all of my motherly efforts (or whats left of them) towards helping raise donations for a local charity in lieu of the 1st birthday party we are suppose to be having for our little boy. My positive attitude took a huge dive tonight. I guess on this long ass road of grief, distractions are still playing a huge roll in keeping ones sanity.....just like in the beginning right after Michael died. If we were pregnant, maybe I would be distracted with preparing for a new baby? I doubt it, I would be freaking out just as much...maybe more. The pain and anguish that I felt in the first few months is so up in my face right now. It's all coming back. Rushing over me like a tsunami wave. Knocking me and all of my progress to the ground and shattering the pieces of my once broken and thought to have been, partially healed heart. It's hard to look out and know I will survive this when it feels like my heart is gone. Maybe TTC isn't the best thing for us to do right now. Nights like this make me wonder if another baby will ever be what is best for us. If you read this please take a look at the link above and read about our celebration plans for Michael. DONATE IF YOU CAN!!! We are trying to do some good in his memory and would appreciate any and ALL the support we can get!

TTC journey begins!!!

Don't have much to say, other than I can't wait to get pregnant again!!!

Right Where I AM- 9Months 3Weeks and 5Days

I decided to join in on the "Right Where I Am" blog project by writing my first letter to Michael-

To my sweet Michael

Well baby boy, it has been almost 10 months since your Dad and I had to say our hellos and goodbyes to you. Everyday of these last 10 months have been the hardest days of my life. There have been some happy moments mixed in, but mostly sad and bittersweetness. The 9 months we had you here with us were the happiest I have ever been. As I sit here late at night while the rest of the house is fast asleep, I am thinking about all of the memories we should be making. Instead of holding you close and spending sweet alone time with you, I am alone with only tears and your unforgettable memory sweet boy. Your Dad and I have tried to make you so proud of us. We both miss you and wanted so much more for you and your life. You deserved better! You didn't deserve to die so soon. Our hearts are broken by your absence, but mostly because we can't do anything to change it for you. We had so much love to give to you...we still do, but I think we have a hard time figuring out how to express it to you and to each other.

I imagine by now you would be trying to crawl. For some reason I think you would be walking before you turned a year old too! I try to picture who you would look like, but you looked like both of us when you were born, so I have a hard time seeing your growing face. I think that is the hardest thing that I am having to come to grips with. We can't watch you grow up or change, progress, succeed or fail. To us you will always be a baby. I try to think of you as the age you should be, but again I have a hard time seeing you as something you never were and will never get the chance to be. I wish there was some way we could send our love to you. Maybe a love courier with a confirmation return to let us know that you got it.

You as an abstract person/spirit is so unfamiliar to me. I have had such a difficult time knowing how you NOW fit into my life and what I can do to try and keep you and your memory alive- in our family. As much as it feels so good to be writing this letter to you Angel Bear, it hurts too because you are not here to get it. You will never get to feel us hug you or taste ice cream.

For now darling boy, I hope you can cut your dear Mom some slack while I try to figure all of this out. I wasn't prepared to raise you as a memory, I was prepared to raise you as a rambunctious little boy. This is all a work in progress. You still deserve to be loved with all of the love that we have for you. You are always with us Michael, and you will never be forgotten!

-Longing to hold you in my arms,

Love,

Mommy

Only one card....

But it was the best one! M got a very sweet Mothers Day card that he hand wrote for me. Even though his is the only one that deeply mattered, I felt forgotten this year and still do. Last year Mothers Day was full of happy giggles and smiles for this girl. I received tons of cards, text messages and flowers from friends and family. This year it was silence, shaded with gloominess and heavy tears. I got one card from M, no flowers and 2 text messages from girlfriends. I tried really hard to be the strongest MOM I could be and not let this get to me. But it is so hard to have Micheal gone and no one to acknowledge that he was the reason I became a MOM. Yes, I did say MOM! Even though I do not have a live child or currently am not with child, I am a MOM. I am tired of feeling like this. Always having to remind people that I am a mom, and I do have a child. I guess it stems from the lack of support we have gotten from people we know or who claim to care about us. In the beginning after we lost Michael I was so afraid that people would forget about him. No one says they forgot. They just choose not to remember I guess. This all sounds very bitter and jaded maybe because I am. Maybe I just expect too much from people. It's all very sad and unfortunate. Maybe next year if we have a live baby, people will be be more willing to acknowledge my motherhood. Maybe...........

TheKnot/ Our Wedding Website!

TheKnot

Let's show some SUPPORT......PLEASE WATCH THIS!

One of my dear BLM friends, Annette, has gone above and beyond showing her strength by pouring her heart and soul into this video. The video is her audition for the Biggest Loser. Please take a few minutes to watch it and pass it along to anyone who may find some inspiration!

Missing him never goes away.

There really are no words. None that can truly grasp the essence of the emotions felt by me or any other parent that looses a baby. I know I haven't been blogging as much so this post may be out of the blue and pretty depressing but it will be short. I MISS HIM! All of the time! He was my first.....my baby, my son. My little boy that I had so many plans, hopes and dreams for. The little man I anticipated holding in my arms as I fed him from my breast while admiring how handsome he was.

ALL OF THAT GONE, NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still have the unfair question of WHY, and just like always missing him, that question will never go away either. We may have a functional answer to the question on the surface as to WHY Michael died but it is useless to me and my heart that aches for him constantly. I don't think I can or have been able to accept the fact that I will be grieving for the rest of my life. Like the naive person I am, I have been looking for that time when I will be able to breathe with out the stabbing pain in my chest, or be able to walk by random baby stuff with out that gut wrenching tear slicing through my stomach. I am living my life to the best of my ability, but some days, like today-IT'S JUST HARD.

Grief is unrelenting and unpredictable. It has no right or wrong and it is non-specific. But everyone that has been affected by grief can say the same thing, it changes your life and leaves you alone. This can mean something different on so many levels to a lot of people, so take it the way that fits you in your own life because on one level or another it is true.

Thank you and a new bathroom...

So the majority of you that read my blog are not the same people whose blogs I read. I am pretty sure the few readers/followers that I do have, don't have blogs of their own....and that is TOTALLY fine. I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank all of the beautiful, strong and grieve-stricken BLM's that have opened their hearts up and poured their grief, happiness, fear and whatever else they may be feeling into their blog posts. As I have taken on a PRN weekend position and continue to go to school full-time, I don't get to blog as much as I would like. But those of you that share on you blogs have helped me in ways you may never know. Your posts allow me to pull myself out of my own head. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. If you are a BLM and I am not a follower of yours, let me know!!!! I would love to read your blog. I do have to warn you though, my lack of free time doesn't always allow me to blog frequently or leave many comments, but I DO READ!!!

Now as for life around here, we are well. BUSY, but well. M started demo in the bathroom this weekend in preparation for a contractor to begin construction. I was pretty bitter about it in the beginning. I love our old bathroom, the tub especially. I have written a previous post about my sentimental attachment to that bathtub. It is titled I AM STILL HERE. SO, you can understand why I am a little hesitant to get rid of anything in that room. We still have it, but it has been ripped out and is sitting in the back of our pickup truck.

I put up a fight about this, but later realized that my resistance was not really about the money, the bathroom or the tub. It was really about preserving what little tangible evidence I have of spending time with Michael while I was pregnant. I came to that realization late last night when I found myself laying on the bathroom floor, sobbing and wailing because there was a gigantic hole in the floor where our tub use to be. I felt like I was look at myself......a once complete put together room, that has been demolished and now a huge hole has been left in the middle of it. A hole where my heart and first child used to be. It was such an intense pain and I screamed, which is pretty unusual for me. If anything can be called usual on this journey of grief. I say usual because I have not broken down or yelled like that since Michael died. For the last 6 months, I have been pretty stoic in my grieving process, but last night I experienced something so different. I have tried to rationalize it in my mind, but there is no rationale when it comes to grieving the death of your own baby.

I still find it amazing how some situations in my life can manifest themselves into deep emotional triggers of my grief. I am sure this has something to do with my grieving style, or lack there of. Either way, loosing Michael has changed me FOREVER. He has taught me more about love, life and loss in a moments time than I could have ever learned in a life time without him. We don't have him here physically, but we have his memory present in our hearts and in our lives every second of everyday. M and I live and breathe the essence of Michaels life in each breath we take. Our ability to cherish life has been intensified because we know we aren't promised another one.

Mommy and Daddy miss you Angel Bear!

Faces Writing Challenge

At the time that Michael died, I was in a daze. A serine yet psychotic state of mind. My brain really shut down and I was emotionally absent from this Earth. It was hard to really tell who was being a good friend or who was just absent. I do remember the kind faces of my loving mother, step-dad, and supportive aunts!

They gathered around M and I with such heartfelt love and tender whispers of comfort. I was pretty much bed ridden for the first couple of days as I recovered from the surgery so cooking and cleaning was out of the question. My mom and her sister, my Aunt Shell, as I call her, had been at our home cleaning and cooking the day that I was discharged from the hospital. It was so nice to come home to a spotless home that smelled like lavender and the family lasagna.

I know that it may sound weird or gross to some people but it was the most comforting and nostalgic smell I could have had surrounding me. My mom had also asked me before I got home if she could spend some time in the nursery. I was nervous about letting her pack up the things that we would no longer need, but I was so distraught that M and I both thought it would be best if she did it because if we had to do it we both may have just gone off the deep end. I didn't think I was strong enough to have to do all of that packing so I didn't. However we did not want the crib, changing table or rocker taken down and to this day it is still where we left it.

My mother, step-dad and my aunt bought some large Tupperware containers and thoughtfully packed all of the diapers, blankets, onesies, booties, and jumpers up. I haven't thought of what they must have talked about or how many millions of tears that fell that day while they took on that torturous task. The tears are falling like crazy and my heart is being ripped apart all over again just thinking about it. I sometimes wonder if I should have let them leave that task up to me, but I don't know if I would still be here if I would have. I don't know if I ever truly thanked them for doing that.

That night Aunt Shell and my mom shaved my legs for me while I was in bed since I couldn't get into the bathtub or bend down much in the shower. My mom did one leg and my aunt did the other. It was a simple task but it was very appreciated! They rubbed lotion on my legs after they were done. The entire time they took care of me they were so sweet and kind. I could have never imagined that the visit they made was to help me plan my sons funeral in sorrow, and not to help us welcome him home with joy. I remember feeling guilty a few weeks later that their trip was for such a sad reason, but while they were here I felt their pure love.

I WONDER.....

I just came across this today. I wrote it only a few days after coming home from the hospital. Missing my boy today!

I WONDER......

What you would look like with chocolate on your face, or if you would cry when you fell down after taking your first steps?

What color are your eyes little man, would you have light or dark hair when you got older?

Did you suffer the day you slipped away or did you fall sweetly into God's hands?

Do you know how much we wanted you and the love that surrounds your memory?

There isn't a day that doesnt go by that I wonder

Face2Face GIVEAWAY!!!

I have decided to become the Face2Face Friendships Group leader for the Nashville area. In order to raise awareness for this fantastic support group/resource, I have decided to host a give away. The winner(s) will have a chance to win a copy of the book "We Were Going to Have a Baby, But we Had an Angle Instead" and/or "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". To enter, just post the link for the

F2F Nashville Group on your blog and/or FB page. Each post will be counted as 1 vote. Just be sure to let me know where you posted them by leaving a comment on the F2F Nashville Facebook wall. You can also just leave a nice comment, inspirational quote, or something about your little one(s) on the F2F Nashville wall. Good luck ladies! I will announce the winner(s) next weekend on the F2F Nashville FB page when I post the meetings/ event schedule.

So AMAZING!

I got this poem from Rebecca who got it from Franchesca! I fell in love with it and just had to share it. Just another little thing to give us some HOPE.

A Different Child by Pandora MacMillian

People notice

There's a special glow around you.

As you grow

Surrounded by love,

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes

Between the smiles

There's a trace of tears,

One day

You'll understand.

You'll understand

There was once another child

A different child

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes

That child will never keep them up at night

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever

How infinitely precious

How infinitely fragile

Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother's tears

Another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone

Will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,

You will tell them

With great compassion,

"I know how you feel.

I'm only here

Because my mother tried again.

I AM STILL HERE!!! This is a heavy POST...

Well I have made it through the first 2 weeks of school and I am still here. I miss all of you and have tried to keep up with you as well as I can in between studying for Adv. Patho., Pharm., Lab, Skills, and 2 more religion classes. I go to a private Catholic College so Learning in the Dominican Tradition and Intro. to Christian Beliefs are classes that I am able to take.

We have had 1 major test and 4 quizzes in 2 weeks. Out of those grade, I made 3 A's, yes I made an A on my first test, and 2 B's. I was going to write at the end of last week but I was so overwhelmed I decided not to. This week I am a little more accustomed to the schedule and the expectations as well.

There have been a few days that I have felt overcome with grief. It's so hard to allow myself to go with it since I have to sit through 4 hour long lectures. There are a few classmates that I have gotten close to and THANK GOD they are so encouraging. I am very lucky to have made friends with 2 of the most compassionate ladies I have ever met. After sharing what we have gone through after Michaels death, they have really embraced me and my grief. Last week was hard and there were a few days that I was just so upset, but these girls really stepped up and gave me the hugs I needed and shoulders to cry on. I was able to open up to them and express the emotions I was having at the moment I was having them. It was a relief and a blessing.

I have known one of the girls for over a year, so they aren't total strangers. Her name is R. She is a breast cancer survivor and we hung out a few times while I was pregnant and during her chemo and radiation treatments. The other girl, her name is B, and I hit it off right away. You know there are just some people you can connect with. Needless to say, they have been placed in my life for a reason.

So, one of my other classmates is pregnant and has a few children already. For me, it's not a big deal, well it wasn't a big deal until she started making comments about being an incubator and not a mother. This just so happened to take place on one of my sad days, so I am sure I was hypersensitive. I really wanted to say something but I decided it would be better if I didn't. I wasn't mad and it didn't hurt my feelings. I really can't explain how it made me feel, but I remember that I didn't like it. Maybe I was envious of her. Jealous of what I didn't have anymore. Now every time I hear her talking, I cringe.

It's been 5 months since we met Michael and had to say goodbye at the same time. I still feel like it was a dream. I was taking a bath last night after a pretty long day. As soon as I started to splash water onto my stomach and chest I realized why I had not taken a bath in such a long time. Michael loved the water! I was a pretty avid swimmer and took a ton of Water Aerobics classes during my pregnancy. He always got really active when I was in the bath tub or swam. Taking a bath was always really special for me. I would sing to him because it was the only time I thought I had a pretty singing voice, so I would sing my little heart out to him while pouring water onto my expanding belly. Just watching him move to the sound of my voice and the water was the ultimate bonding experience for me. M would always come into the bathroom if he heard us and would join in too. Well I wasn't singing last night, but I guess out of habit he came into the bathroom while I was in the bath. As he was sitting next to me, I could see the tears in his eyes. He was looking at my body, my stomach.

The place where our son was for 9 months, was now, no longer there. The domicile for our precious baby boy that M had connected with on a daily, no hourly basis was in fact gone. I know I have said this before but Dads have to have it the worst. We, as women have the chance to physically bond with our children, where men only get to see our bodies change. They have to somehow process the correlation of our growing wombs and belly's, to the arrival of their long awaited son/daughter in order to build any kind of physical relationship with them. Granted there are other ways they can bond, but the most tangible and realistic has to be the divine metamorphic properties of the mothers body.

That was the first time we had been in the bathroom, in the tub together since Michael was born. There were no more sounds of me singing or vast movements of my swollen belly because the reason for both of these was now in the arms of God. The little life that M and I had spent so much time with in that tub was not there anymore. He is gone, along with a huge part of our hearts. UGGH! I could see the hurt and surprise on M's face. I don't think he quite expected that heavy of a reaction to take place inside of him. But neither did I! We didn't have to say anything to one another. Like a perfectly orchestrated movement, I lifted myself out of the water as he went to get my towel. In perfect silence he helped me out of the bath and into bed. We both laid down together and were heartbroken all over again, experiencing the same exact emotions at the same time. Even though it was brutally painful, it was so beautiful how in sync our hearts were. It is just amazing how much communication can take place in silence, especially with someone you are so connected to.

I miss my little boy more and more each day, but I know God has a plan for us and for him as well. Only faith can get us through this and onto the next phase of our lives. I remember I blogged a post a few months ago the said FUCK HOPE, I want my son back. This is not that post today. I do have hope, some days. That is what keeps us going I think. Faith, HOPE and Charity...these are the 3 virtues that allows us to share in God's nature. Not to be all preachy but this has helped me come to be at peace at little more.

Postpartum depression

No More FB, It's Off To School I Go!

Well folks, in order to make my life a little more stressful, I have gone back to school! In order to maximize my success in these endeavors, I deactivated my FB account and plan to blog only about once a week.

One of my nursing instructors told us that these next 2 years were going to be challenging and life changing. I wanted to stand up and tell her all about the past 5 months that have been challenging and life changing for me. There is nothing she nor any other teacher can throw at me that I won't be able to handle.

As far as the next 2 years go, not only will I be traveling down the dark paths of grief, but I will be fiercely trying to heal and become an advocate for other women, pregnant women. At the same time I will be traveling onto a career in Nurse Midwifery.

In 3 years, I hope to be able to care for women and their families no matter what the out come of their pregnancy is. I hope to be on the happier side of it most days. So, not only will I be blogging about the still unrealistic loss of my son, I will also be expressing my feeling and thoughts of how this broken and battered momma is transforming herself into not only a Midwife, but a caring and compassionate purpose!

I feel this purpose was given to me, I was called not only to carry Michael for the short time we had together, but I was also called to be a care giver. My purpose is to one day have the honor to show love and empathy to the mothers and families who need it most.

I miss Michael every day, and it still hurts! It will be 5 months on the 12th, but I know my little boy is with me every minute of every day. As the tears fall now while I type, I know my precious son came to us for a reason.

I have chosen to make that reason a positive thing, not only for my well being, but in order to make a difference in peoples lives. To touch people at the heart of their lives, where it means the most. And all the while, I will be honoring Michael.

I will be keeping his memory alive in my heart, through the strength that I will carry with me because of him. I am forever grateful for Michaels' presence in my life. I am thankful that God sent him to us for what ever reason he had. But I am most grateful that I can now see a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Dont get me wrong, there is still a tremendous amount of pain, guilt and despair that I am dealing with and most likely will have to continue to deal with for a very long time. But because of Michael, I will be able to care for women and families that experience loss in a very special way. In some cases I will be able to know what they are feeling at the moment they feel it. I will have the ability to look into the eyes of any broken hearted mother that comes my way and say I know how you feel and actually mean it.

So now with tear stained eyes I am off to the library to study about 16 chapters in various different classes. Thank you to you all that come across my blog and will continue to keep up with my journey. Please forgive me if I do not stop by and comment on your blogs once and a while. Just know that I do read and am thinking of you. Any prayers that you can say for us are greatly needed and appreciated!