Wednesday, September 7, 2011
That is right, this momma is pregnant AGAIN!!! We are super excited and really early so please keep this off of Facebook. Our decision to announce our new little one this soon is to ask for prayer and support from anyone out there that is willing to send it our way!!! Although our hearts are always open to life, we also know that God is in control. M and I are just happy to be able to provide this baby with love and life as long as he/she is with us. THANKS BE TO GOD!!!
Monday, August 22, 2011
So today was a whirl wind. I began my 2nd semester of school...OB/Peds. Not too crazy about the test given 2 days before the semester even began, but hey...what can you do except do your best and move on, hopefully. It was a busy day but the second I actually got to sit down, alone, my mind was right back in the middle of my grief and I was sobbing- missing my sweet baby.
I can handle the tears and the heartache. It's not fun and it hurts like hell, but I can do that. What I can't stand though, is the fact that I have loads of work for school piling up on top of my part time job and the tutoring that I will be doing for 1st semester students. The semester hasn't even officially begun yet and there is actually no time for me to be able to grieve. The tears and emotions I can juggle, but time is of the essence. I guess being a BLM, you not only have to deal with life, your loss and grief, but you get the added bonus of having to schedule your grief in the midst of it all. I guess that is just another one of the major disadvantages of loosing a little one. I can't spend too much time here because I have too much else I need to be doing, but I have to do something to process these feelings so here I am.
God I would give anything to be elbow deep in a 1 year old little boys needs and messes right now, instead of wading knee deep in grief. It would be easier to have all of the stuff I have to do now with him here than to be stuck where I am right now. Not a good day today folks.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I am having one of those days today. I had a dream about Michael last night. He was alive and I was holding him in our rocking chair. He was swaddled in the amazing blue blanket with is name sewn in it that Mike and I got for a baby shower gift. I was carefully taking in every minute of our time together, because somehow within the dream, I knew he was dead, but I swear this imaginary state of mind could not have felt more real. I could smell him, that sweet baby powder smell, almost as if the dream had started the moment after I had bathed him, changed his diaper, and soothed him with heavenly lotion. I could feel his warm soft skin, his hair on my cheek as I pulled him close to me and embraced his tender little body. I gently tucked my finger into his little hand and I could feel each one of his fingers grasping it. His skin was pressed firmly to mine and I felt that deep sensation of safety and warmth, the emotional connection that you are suppose to have with a living, breathing child. Every movement that we had together during that special visit, he made just for me. I heard him laugh, coo and he was even opening his eyes as wide as he could. I just stared into them, so full of life, and drank in that eye to eye connection that I never got to experience the day he was born. God he was....no is so beautiful. I have been praying for one of these dreams where he would come to say hello, but now that I am awake and I realize that it was all a dream....its pretty bittersweet. I am grateful for that dream, but I am so utterly distraught at the fact that I will never get to experience those real, intense and perfect moments with my little boy because he is dead. I know his spirit is being taken care of, but it does nothing for the raw and carnal emotions I have to want to nurture, feed and hold my baby. Today is suppose to be a day to remember him and the rest of the precious ones that have gone before us, and I will, but mostly today I am grieving the loss of what was expected for me and my child. All the moments I was suppose to be holding him, just like in my dream. I will be spending this day in an empty nursery, rocking in our rocking chair, holding a small blue corduroy bear wrapped in a blanket that Mike and I got for a baby shower gift with the name Michael sewn into it.
Friday, July 15, 2011
So I started off the countdown at a great pace. I thought I was going to make it through the next 27 days without going bonkers but tonight, that has proven to be untrue. I would like to know how a BLM who is not expecting a rainbow is suppose to get through this, the first birthday. I started off strong by planning to put all of my motherly efforts (or whats left of them) towards helping raise donations for a local charity in lieu of the 1st birthday party we are suppose to be having for our little boy. My positive attitude took a huge dive tonight. I guess on this long ass road of grief, distractions are still playing a huge roll in keeping ones sanity.....just like in the beginning right after Michael died. If we were pregnant, maybe I would be distracted with preparing for a new baby? I doubt it, I would be freaking out just as much...maybe more. The pain and anguish that I felt in the first few months is so up in my face right now. It's all coming back. Rushing over me like a tsunami wave. Knocking me and all of my progress to the ground and shattering the pieces of my once broken and thought to have been, partially healed heart. It's hard to look out and know I will survive this when it feels like my heart is gone. Maybe TTC isn't the best thing for us to do right now. Nights like this make me wonder if another baby will ever be what is best for us. If you read this please take a look at the link above and read about our celebration plans for Michael. DONATE IF YOU CAN!!! We are trying to do some good in his memory and would appreciate any and ALL the support we can get!