"The love of a true mother comes nearer to being like the love of God than any other kind of love."

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Human Body

When you think about the human body, it tends to be a double edged sword. We have these bodies that at times can be pushed to the limits of greatness. Like when Olympic swimmers or long distance runners break world records. Our bodies can be just amazing! Women, well some women, have the ability to create entire human life forms with their bodies. Then you have those of us who can't, or need help with their bodies to have a baby. It's pretty much like Russian Roulette. I mean there are the women who for no reason what so ever can't have children. In the medical world it's called unexplained infertility. I think there should be a better name for it. At least give the women that are being double crossed by their own bodies a better term than that. Something with more grace and respect. Something more along the lines of a Consecrated Saint.

Then there are the women who love there children and can go off and have 19 kids and counting. That is wonderful for them, but what is left for me and the thousands of other day dreaming women out there. I guess I should consider myself lucky, whatever that means. Mike and I know that we can have children. I just have to take a medication that tells my body not to kill my baby. The very same doctors that diagnose women with unexplained infertility are telling me that I too can have my very own baby as long as I inject blood thinners into my body everyday of my pregnancy. Its just hard to believe these doctors when they use the diagnosis with the word unexplained in it. I mean aren't doctors, especially specialists, suppose to be all scientific and have all this crap figured out? I know for me personally having that much faith in one thing can be utterly disheartening at the end of the day when it doesn't work out. I know that from my pregnancy with Michael. I was the happiest pregnant woman in the world. I had all the midwives and doctors telling me that I was fine and the pregnancy was going great. Now that I have been through a full term stillbirth of my own, that happy pregnant woman will forever be gone. I have lost all the innocence I once had. It will always be hard for be to believe any doctor or my own body that everything will be ok with of my future pregnancies. I will always have a deep sense of disbelief in my own God-given body during the most intimate periods of time I have with my future children, God willing there are future children.

We have decided not to TTC for at least a year maybe more. I don't think either one of us can handle another loss. Nothing is ever a guarantee, and there are never any absolutes in this world. I hate to think that I will always be living in fear of pregnancy. I'd like to one day be able to release any tendency I have to always want to be in control, but I have been traumatized and forever changed. I just don't think that is in the cards for me anymore. I do look forward to having another baby one day, but it is going to be a while. Until then I am left dealing with this life I was given, along with the huge mess of emotions that come along with it.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Settling into the new

New life, new love, and soon to be a New Year THANK GOD! This year has proven to be one of the most challenging for me yet. With many more to come I am sure. Our new life is one of hopeful distractions and days wondering around just wondering. It's a life with out our baby. A sometimes sad, yet other times happy life.

Dealing with grief can be exhausting especially after loosing a baby because it never ends, you don't get a break. It's always in your face. The worst part about it is when you feel like you almost have a grip, some insignificant thing comes along and vaporizes all of the progress you have made like an atomic bomb leaving no trace of life. All the breath sucked right out of what used to be a vibrant, living thing. I am longing for the days when I am able to wake up with out a swollen face from crying the night before or a time when I can speak Michaels name with out feeing like I am going to puke from being so sick of being sad all of the time. There are good days and I am glad to have them when they come but the bad ones are not gone yet and I don't think they ever will be. There will always be that one day waiting for me. The bad day that lurks, waiting for the grieving mother to let down her guard. I was terrified of that day in the beginning after we lost Michael. I say lost like we left him somewhere, but really we know where he is. He is dead and buried with his Grandfather in Minnesota. Back to the days I was terrified of....Now I am not so scared of those days anymore. I expect them. I don't necessarily deal with them as well as I might need to but I am well aware of there existence. Now I am finding myself trying to deal with other people and their lives. No one stopped living after Michael died and it pisses me off to the extreme! People all around me going off and getting pregnant, having babies and moving on. What on earth are they thinking? Don't they know that the most precious life that could have ever been created has come and gone already! They never got to meet him or see his beautiful face. Aren't these women aware that they can loose their babies too. Life can be senseless and painful. Some people are able to live happy lives with out ever having to experience the pain of loosing a baby, they are the lucky ones. That is why all of us BLM's need to stick together, we are all we have in terms of understanding the NEW normal and traveling down the long road of grief.