Then there are the women who love there children and can go off and have 19 kids and counting. That is wonderful for them, but what is left for me and the thousands of other day dreaming women out there. I guess I should consider myself lucky, whatever that means. Mike and I know that we can have children. I just have to take a medication that tells my body not to kill my baby. The very same doctors that diagnose women with unexplained infertility are telling me that I too can have my very own baby as long as I inject blood thinners into my body everyday of my pregnancy. Its just hard to believe these doctors when they use the diagnosis with the word unexplained in it. I mean aren't doctors, especially specialists, suppose to be all scientific and have all this crap figured out? I know for me personally having that much faith in one thing can be utterly disheartening at the end of the day when it doesn't work out. I know that from my pregnancy with Michael. I was the happiest pregnant woman in the world. I had all the midwives and doctors telling me that I was fine and the pregnancy was going great. Now that I have been through a full term stillbirth of my own, that happy pregnant woman will forever be gone. I have lost all the innocence I once had. It will always be hard for be to believe any doctor or my own body that everything will be ok with of my future pregnancies. I will always have a deep sense of disbelief in my own God-given body during the most intimate periods of time I have with my future children, God willing there are future children.
We have decided not to TTC for at least a year maybe more. I don't think either one of us can handle another loss. Nothing is ever a guarantee, and there are never any absolutes in this world. I hate to think that I will always be living in fear of pregnancy. I'd like to one day be able to release any tendency I have to always want to be in control, but I have been traumatized and forever changed. I just don't think that is in the cards for me anymore. I do look forward to having another baby one day, but it is going to be a while. Until then I am left dealing with this life I was given, along with the huge mess of emotions that come along with it.