Settling into the new

New life, new love, and soon to be a New Year THANK GOD! This year has proven to be one of the most challenging for me yet. With many more to come I am sure. Our new life is one of hopeful distractions and days wondering around just wondering. It's a life with out our baby. A sometimes sad, yet other times happy life.

Dealing with grief can be exhausting especially after loosing a baby because it never ends, you don't get a break. It's always in your face. The worst part about it is when you feel like you almost have a grip, some insignificant thing comes along and vaporizes all of the progress you have made like an atomic bomb leaving no trace of life. All the breath sucked right out of what used to be a vibrant, living thing. I am longing for the days when I am able to wake up with out a swollen face from crying the night before or a time when I can speak Michaels name with out feeing like I am going to puke from being so sick of being sad all of the time. There are good days and I am glad to have them when they come but the bad ones are not gone yet and I don't think they ever will be. There will always be that one day waiting for me. The bad day that lurks, waiting for the grieving mother to let down her guard. I was terrified of that day in the beginning after we lost Michael. I say lost like we left him somewhere, but really we know where he is. He is dead and buried with his Grandfather in Minnesota. Back to the days I was terrified of....Now I am not so scared of those days anymore. I expect them. I don't necessarily deal with them as well as I might need to but I am well aware of there existence. Now I am finding myself trying to deal with other people and their lives. No one stopped living after Michael died and it pisses me off to the extreme! People all around me going off and getting pregnant, having babies and moving on. What on earth are they thinking? Don't they know that the most precious life that could have ever been created has come and gone already! They never got to meet him or see his beautiful face. Aren't these women aware that they can loose their babies too. Life can be senseless and painful. Some people are able to live happy lives with out ever having to experience the pain of loosing a baby, they are the lucky ones. That is why all of us BLM's need to stick together, we are all we have in terms of understanding the NEW normal and traveling down the long road of grief.