Now as for life around here, we are well. BUSY, but well. M started demo in the bathroom this weekend in preparation for a contractor to begin construction. I was pretty bitter about it in the beginning. I love our old bathroom, the tub especially. I have written a previous post about my sentimental attachment to that bathtub. It is titled I AM STILL HERE. SO, you can understand why I am a little hesitant to get rid of anything in that room. We still have it, but it has been ripped out and is sitting in the back of our pickup truck.
I put up a fight about this, but later realized that my resistance was not really about the money, the bathroom or the tub. It was really about preserving what little tangible evidence I have of spending time with Michael while I was pregnant. I came to that realization late last night when I found myself laying on the bathroom floor, sobbing and wailing because there was a gigantic hole in the floor where our tub use to be. I felt like I was look at myself......a once complete put together room, that has been demolished and now a huge hole has been left in the middle of it. A hole where my heart and first child used to be. It was such an intense pain and I screamed, which is pretty unusual for me. If anything can be called usual on this journey of grief. I say usual because I have not broken down or yelled like that since Michael died. For the last 6 months, I have been pretty stoic in my grieving process, but last night I experienced something so different. I have tried to rationalize it in my mind, but there is no rationale when it comes to grieving the death of your own baby.
I still find it amazing how some situations in my life can manifest themselves into deep emotional triggers of my grief. I am sure this has something to do with my grieving style, or lack there of. Either way, loosing Michael has changed me FOREVER. He has taught me more about love, life and loss in a moments time than I could have ever learned in a life time without him. We don't have him here physically, but we have his memory present in our hearts and in our lives every second of everyday. M and I live and breathe the essence of Michaels life in each breath we take. Our ability to cherish life has been intensified because we know we aren't promised another one.
Mommy and Daddy miss you Angel Bear!