Thursday, August 11, 2011
I found this from Oct. 15th, 2010
I am having one of those days today. I had a dream about Michael last night. He was alive and I was holding him in our rocking chair. He was swaddled in the amazing blue blanket with is name sewn in it that Mike and I got for a baby shower gift. I was carefully taking in every minute of our time together, because somehow within the dream, I knew he was dead, but I swear this imaginary state of mind could not have felt more real. I could smell him, that sweet baby powder smell, almost as if the dream had started the moment after I had bathed him, changed his diaper, and soothed him with heavenly lotion. I could feel his warm soft skin, his hair on my cheek as I pulled him close to me and embraced his tender little body. I gently tucked my finger into his little hand and I could feel each one of his fingers grasping it. His skin was pressed firmly to mine and I felt that deep sensation of safety and warmth, the emotional connection that you are suppose to have with a living, breathing child. Every movement that we had together during that special visit, he made just for me. I heard him laugh, coo and he was even opening his eyes as wide as he could. I just stared into them, so full of life, and drank in that eye to eye connection that I never got to experience the day he was born. God he was....no is so beautiful. I have been praying for one of these dreams where he would come to say hello, but now that I am awake and I realize that it was all a dream....its pretty bittersweet. I am grateful for that dream, but I am so utterly distraught at the fact that I will never get to experience those real, intense and perfect moments with my little boy because he is dead. I know his spirit is being taken care of, but it does nothing for the raw and carnal emotions I have to want to nurture, feed and hold my baby. Today is suppose to be a day to remember him and the rest of the precious ones that have gone before us, and I will, but mostly today I am grieving the loss of what was expected for me and my child. All the moments I was suppose to be holding him, just like in my dream. I will be spending this day in an empty nursery, rocking in our rocking chair, holding a small blue corduroy bear wrapped in a blanket that Mike and I got for a baby shower gift with the name Michael sewn into it.