"The love of a true mother comes nearer to being like the love of God than any other kind of love."

Friday, July 15, 2011

The month before...

So I started off the countdown at a great pace. I thought I was going to make it through the next 27 days without going bonkers but tonight, that has proven to be untrue. I would like to know how a BLM who is not expecting a rainbow is suppose to get through this, the first birthday. I started off strong by planning to put all of my motherly efforts (or whats left of them) towards helping raise donations for a local charity in lieu of the 1st birthday party we are suppose to be having for our little boy. My positive attitude took a huge dive tonight. I guess on this long ass road of grief, distractions are still playing a huge roll in keeping ones sanity.....just like in the beginning right after Michael died. If we were pregnant, maybe I would be distracted with preparing for a new baby? I doubt it, I would be freaking out just as much...maybe more. The pain and anguish that I felt in the first few months is so up in my face right now. It's all coming back. Rushing over me like a tsunami wave. Knocking me and all of my progress to the ground and shattering the pieces of my once broken and thought to have been, partially healed heart. It's hard to look out and know I will survive this when it feels like my heart is gone. Maybe TTC isn't the best thing for us to do right now. Nights like this make me wonder if another baby will ever be what is best for us. If you read this please take a look at the link above and read about our celebration plans for Michael. DONATE IF YOU CAN!!! We are trying to do some good in his memory and would appreciate any and ALL the support we can get!


  1. I can't speak to what the first anniversary without a rainbow pregnancy is like, but I do think whether you are expecting a rainbow or not the first anniversary is hard.

    I found myself reliving moments, missing Charlotte so much, crying off and on all day for weeks, generally grumpy and angry, so, so angry.

    I hope tomorrow is a little easier. Holding you close as Michael's first birthday approaches.

  2. How the hell did we get here, Leanne? Where did July come from? Weren't we just passing our 6 month milestone in February? I can tell you that even with my little Kevie on the way, it does not make this first year ending any easier. Our baby boys are still gone and nothing and no one can take that pain away.

    I love the way you and mike are remembering Michael on his birthday. You know I'll be lighting candles and saying prayers for him come August 12th.

    I love you sweet girl and know that happiness is just around the corner. xo