Roller Coaster Weekend

This weekend has been quite an emotional one for this household. We have experienced a comedian that thought a joke about a still born baby was appropriate, a major freak out break down, an entire day in bed- dirty hair, unbrushed teeth, didn't eat or drink anything all day kind of day in bed, a complete sense of giving up and wanting the world to carry on with out me. I am choosing not to relive that heart breaking experience. I am afraid to allow those feelings to resurface again. It's amazing how a group of words can hurt so much that you actually have the thought of giving up on life. Not in the sense of suicide, I'm not that sick- well not yet. I mean I actually toyed with the idea of running away from my life here with M to some convent in the woods or maybe a commune in the desert. Somewhere that no one knew me and I could just be off the grid for the rest of my life.

I tend to allow my emotions to get the best of me. It's a horrible cycle of irrational thinking that makes everything a hell of a lot worse than it ever needed to be. While I am the mess of depressed mood swings, M is the logical/positive one that is refusing to put up with anymore of my needless bouts of negativity and anger. I am no longer the strong partner he once had before Michael died. He is tired and worn down. Lately- I go to work, come home, say a few words and thats about it. I get upset because our friends announced their pregnancy, and cry uncontrollably because our son isn't here, I also tend to deflect these feelings as anger. I want my feelings to be felt by all, I want everyone to know how awful I feel. In doing that, I hurt the people that mean the most to me. This is a repetitive behavior of mine when I have a crisis in my life and I have never been able to figure out why I do this or how I can break the habit. I am sure it has something to do with my lack of motivation to get over the death of my son and the injustice that has taken place in my life. I often have a selfish out look on loosing Michael- there I go again with the "loosing Michael" bit, I know where he is.....he isn't lost, he's dead.

It's like I have blinders on while we grieve our son. I am truly unable to see M's hurt and grief. I don't think he has really had any time to grieve because he's been too busy trying to hold me and our life together. There was a huge part of my heart that died when Michael died. It was the part that held the love and hope that I had for our family. That has been taken away, and it is causing a serious defect in how I run the rest of my life these days. I know I need to work on making a serious effort to get over this and get on with my life for our families sake. That is, if it's possible!

You know that old saying, "Children don't come with manuals when they are born."

Well you don't get one when they die either!

That was the down part of the weekend....On a more positive note, I spent the day today baking cookies. I had a dream about Michael last night. Each time I dream about him he is the age that he would be if he were here. In the dream last night he was about 4 months old. He was a giggly, smiling, FAT little boy. He had on an outfit with dinosaurs on it that we got as a baby shower gift. The dream wasn't set up on a time line. It was just a vast period of time that I was able to spend with my sweet, sweet, darling boy. I woke up this morning a little happier and decided to do something nice for us. So I made cookies all day long! M and I iced and decorated them together, drank hot cocoa and had a good day. Now we have 3 dozen cookies that need to be eaten.