Why and how is one suppose to incorporate the phrase or action of "moving on" into their lives? Especially after the loss of our baby. This is a question that has frequently passed in and out of my mind lately along with the myriads of hopeful, anxious, sad and fearful feelings to go along with it. What will moving on consist of for me? If you were to ask some random person from off the street their answer would differ from mine or from anyone who has lost a child. "Normal" people would probably give a generic answer. Something like "out with the old, in with the new". But not me. I like the old. I miss the old and I am terrified of the new. I don't want to just toss the old out like it's some meaningless transaction of time and lost person. The old was stable and planned. There were expectations to have and goals to meet. How are we going to move on from that?
We have had a few Christmas parties to attend lately. It's been nice to go and pretend that I am not a broken spirit under the make up and all the weight I have lost since Michael was born. But I always wonder out of all the people we come in contact with, how many of them know? What do they think about me being out and trying to act like I'm ok? Am I acting like I'm ok or can they sense my intense and uncomfortable awkwardness. It's like I'm moving through the motions trying not to feel self-conscious but all the while I'm wishing I was in the back kitchen washing dishes, not having to be social. The expectations and goals have changed from what they once were. I can no longer take comfort in the thought of going out into public looking like crap because I have been up all night with my baby because, I don't have a baby. Now I have to put a lot of effort into going out into public. The old thoughts of being able to stay home from the parties this year to take care of him are no more, instead we are attending them trying to look like we are not letting the loss of our son kill us. God I pray I am able to pull it off this year and in the years to come.
The holiday spirit just isn't around for me right now, its kind of just numbness. Maybe that is what my moving on will be. NUMB. I don't want that though. I still have the hopes of other children in our lives. I don't want to be numb for them. They deserve to have an amazing Mom that loves to celebrate the holidays. I guess my moving on is still up in the air and can really be whatever I want it to be. Michael doesn't want us to be unavailable for his brothers and sisters and he sure wouldn't want us to give up on everything. Incorporating the action of moving on really is just a matter of moving through. Moving through the pain, moving through the grief, and the injustice that I feel every second of everyday is my moving on. Being able to move through this season of my life is imperative for the next one to come. I'm not leaving anything behind or letting go of the old. It's coming with me. Were are simply moving on the way we can and know how.