"The love of a true mother comes nearer to being like the love of God than any other kind of love."

Friday, December 31, 2010

As Desperation Sets In

Its scary how a persons mind works when they are so desperate to change things in their life or how they feel. I have had an incredibly hard day today and I am not really sure why. It could be a lot of different things. What I do know is that I am so desperate to have him back. While realistically, that will never ever happen, I did the strangest thing. I actually Googled how to get my baby back. I do realize that this sounds very strange and a tad bit unhealthy but I call it desperation at it's peak. My utter desire to have Michael here with us, now, is manifesting into a deep sense of depression in my body. I am trying very hard not to let it take over my life but I cant see it getting any better.

Now, I am well aware that the majority of people out there are not necessarily interested in my bad days and really would just like for me to get over this, but guess what! I'm not over it and the death of my first born son is taking an awful toll on me. In the very beginning, I thought I was really going to make it. Now I am not so sure. Maybe this is just one of those days that you just have to get through in order to make it to the days when the pain is more tolerable. Frankly, I would rather not have to deal with any more days at all if any are like this one. I should be looking forward to a New Year, starting school again, and getting married.....but I don't want any of that. I wish I did. I wish I could muster up some sort of happiness, but all there is, is helplessness and hopelessness.

I want to turn my heart over now. I'd like to be able to just call up some company that deals in the tragic loss of children. A company that specializes in taking the broken hearts of parents off their hands. It would be a positive thing if I were able to get on this blog and tell the world that I have found some kind of lasting peace in Michaels death or that I have become so dependent on my faith in God that I am able to accept his dying for no reason, but I can't....it's not that I don't want to, but I seriously can't. I am too exhausted from the day in and day out emotional chaos that I try to keep organized, not only in my heart, but in my head too. On top of that I have to try very hard to keep M's feelings in mind as well. He lost his son too and it is not fair to be selfish! Those things in and of themselves are a lot for my little peon brain to deal with. Hats off to those that can do it, but I am not cut out for it.

I know this isn't the same "Goodbye to 2010" blog post that everyone else is posting. I just don't care what year it is anymore. 2010 or 2011, it doesn't matter! It's not going to change what happened and why in the hell does a New Year mean things will get better? I pray you all have a great year in 2011! That all your dreams, hopes and aspirations come true! As for me, all of those things died on Aug 12, 2010 and were buried in Duluth, MN on Aug.30, 2010.


  1. (((hugs))) I hate to say it this way but I will..it is *only* 4 months honey and the pain is very fresh still. My worst months were 4 and 6...I am keeping you close to my heart. Anyone who *expects* you to be at a certain place has never lost a child, and they dont know the pain that goes with it. its not a high school boyfriend you are getting 'over' its the death of YOUR child. A child that was/is loved and missed and was WANTED here. The year may be ending and it is *their* year of birth but they are coming with us into the new year...they will live through us now....xoxo

  2. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day, I remember those days well. It is completely normal to have ups and downs to be hit with the grief and feel unable to move forward at times. In time you do begin to incorporate the grief into your life and although its always a part of you and something you will never be over you learn to live with it. Thinking of you and sending so much love your way right now ((hugs))

  3. i understand the desperate feelings well. i have serious moments like that as well. and to hell with anyone who should dare say that you need to be over this. there is no way to get over losing a child. i honestly don't think the pain will ever go away. i think maybe one day we might get better at faking it, and pretending to function. almost like a person who has lost a limb would, after a while, adjust to their circumstance. but we will always be missing a piece of us. and no one can fix that for us. o, leanne, i'm so so sorry. ((hugs))

  4. Holidays are desperate times.

    I don't understand why people think a New Year will change things. Same situation just a new date tacked onto the end.

    take care of yourself. And just keep plodding through...

  5. Leanne... My heart continues to break for you. I completely understand darling... I continue to get the funny looks whenever I mention Sebastion at work, like I'm supposed to be over it already too... seems my coworkers are tired of hearing of my woes. BUT it has only been 4 months... if you ever need to talk, I am here for you, we can cry together and hope that our little August 12th baby boys have found each other up in the big sky. I know my words may not help much, but just know that i DO care. Much love to you in this new year.