"The love of a true mother comes nearer to being like the love of God than any other kind of love."

Monday, December 13, 2010

What is WRONG?

Have you ever had a day where you felt like your entire world was going to fall apart and your brain was going to explode. Well that has been my day today! I have been on pins and needles, on the verge of completely unraveling at any given moment. Its been hard to catch my breath, near panic attack kind of anxiousness. On top of that, my eyes fill with tears at every turn. Now having one of these days isn't that surprising. I have had these physical/emotional reactions before, but I have always been able to identify the cause. Wither it was because I missed Michael, maybe bills or stress from work...but I wasn't sure what it was today. It was a feeling of fear. ALL DAY LONG!

I'm still having that feeling even though I have talked it through with M about a dozen times. He is always really good at helping me figure out just about anything. But still nothing. I'm terrified of something,but what? Maybe I'm forgetting about an important date coming up or the stress of the holidays is really starting to hit. I don't know what it is but I do know that I can't keep feeling like this. It started last night when I couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned, begging for sleep to come. It finally did about 3am. I hate this feeling and I hate that I cant figure it out WHY I have it even more! I need PEACE from my unrest. I need COMFORT for my sad and tormented heart. I want my SON to be here with me and his dad. I want to know WHY he had to be taken from us, and mostly there better be a DAMN good reason that he isn't here! I mean seriously!!! There has to be an earth-shattering, ground-breaking reason that we were not able to keep Michael with us. WHAT in GOD's name did we do in order to have this happen to us, but most importantly, WHY MICHAEL? I have a lot of anger that I am holding onto and I really don't know how to let it go. How do I communicate it in a way that is a healthy release.

(the glimmer of a light bulb is forming)

I am slowly realizing what I am afraid of. Tears are falling because as I type out these words and feelings of rage and sadness, I am learning why I have been feeling this way. I am scared of my anger. Im afraid of carrying it along with me into my/our future. I want my innocence back. My next pregnancy(ies) will be tainted and I am terrified of that feeling being anywhere near me while Im pregnant. I don't want to find myself holding a new baby and secretly wishing that Michael were there. I don't like sitting here, feeling this way. I want to find a way to allow myself to keep Michael and also be able to move onto what our future holds with out holding onto anything negative. I hate having to juggle all of these emotions. No one should have to go through this agony and confusion. It sucks, It SUCKS, IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :.....(
It hurts. BAD! SO DAMN BAD. It never goes away, it's always there.

Some days the pain is bearable. But it is always there. Unrelenting and cruel. Pain and anger are now my enemies. I pray I am able to win this war. I know I have a lot of strong women that make up an amazing ARMY of mothers that are fighting the same battle day after day,standing along aside me, holding my hand. I know each and everyone of you out there know how I feel and can sympathize with me. It has been 4 months since we said Goodbye to him but it hurts like it was yesterday. Will there be anything left of me to give to my future? Or will I loose this battle? I am scared because from where I am sitting with a tear stained face, I don't know the answer. I want to know the answer and some days I think I do, but today is looking very grim.


  1. You are doing everything you can by loving and missing your son. There are so many hard days and I wish I could come give you a hug on days like today. Thinking of you. <3

  2. This post hit home for me, in more ways than one. I am sitting here trying to type through the tears. I wish there were words I could give you...((hugs)) Keeping you in my thoughts.

  3. Four months isn't very long at all. I'm a mess most of the time and it's been seven months since my Charlotte died. The pain and grief will last as long as we live, but I think the first year is the most difficult as we adjust to our new reality.

    Take care of yourself and be gentle and kind to yourself. Sending love ...

  4. The holidays definitely magnify grief, I think. Even people in my infant loss support group who lost babies 3+ years ago still have a lot of issues around the holidays.

    I've said this a lot before, but I think the first 6 months are awful and go by in slow motion, and slowly when you aren't realizing it, time starts to become normal or almost normal again. And your really bad days become fewer and farther between. The pain is always there. I still get angry and resentful that our daughter isn't here. But it does get easier as time goes, I guess you get used to the grief and lingering sadness and hurt.

    Hang in there.

  5. I am having one of those days... weeks, myself. I am so sorry for your pain and anger Leanne. I wish I could give you all the answers, or any answer, at that. Wishing you peace and love.

  6. "Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about the things down here on earth." Col 3:2

    I believe that love is infinite, meaning you can’t love one any more or less then another because infinite is well infinite. I do believe the love you have for one can be different then the love you have for another, that every loving relationship is different and special, but is not more or less.

    So if/when you have another baby, you will love that baby just like you love Michael, that love will be infinite, it will not mean that you love Michael any more or less, or that you will love another child any more or less, it will just be unique, in that it will be different.

    Michael will live on in your heart as long as you live, the love you have for him will never go away, but since you are capable of love and love is infinite you still have room in your heart to love others.

  7. it took me a sec to realize that i 1st came across the story of your precious Michael on mdc. i'm so sorry for your loss. i'm now following your blog/story. this is a long hard road isn't it? one i wish none of us had to be on. but it's nice that we don't have to be alone. if you need anything, i'm here.

  8. Your words are perfect; I understand COMPLETELY. I'm at the exact same time/place in my grief and I have those days where I am on the verge of tears, angry, broken...all day long.

    Sending prayers and hugs to you, friend.