I'm still having that feeling even though I have talked it through with M about a dozen times. He is always really good at helping me figure out just about anything. But still nothing. I'm terrified of something,but what? Maybe I'm forgetting about an important date coming up or the stress of the holidays is really starting to hit. I don't know what it is but I do know that I can't keep feeling like this. It started last night when I couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned, begging for sleep to come. It finally did about 3am. I hate this feeling and I hate that I cant figure it out WHY I have it even more! I need PEACE from my unrest. I need COMFORT for my sad and tormented heart. I want my SON to be here with me and his dad. I want to know WHY he had to be taken from us, and mostly there better be a DAMN good reason that he isn't here! I mean seriously!!! There has to be an earth-shattering, ground-breaking reason that we were not able to keep Michael with us. WHAT in GOD's name did we do in order to have this happen to us, but most importantly, WHY MICHAEL? I have a lot of anger that I am holding onto and I really don't know how to let it go. How do I communicate it in a way that is a healthy release.
(the glimmer of a light bulb is forming)
I am slowly realizing what I am afraid of. Tears are falling because as I type out these words and feelings of rage and sadness, I am learning why I have been feeling this way. I am scared of my anger. Im afraid of carrying it along with me into my/our future. I want my innocence back. My next pregnancy(ies) will be tainted and I am terrified of that feeling being anywhere near me while Im pregnant. I don't want to find myself holding a new baby and secretly wishing that Michael were there. I don't like sitting here, feeling this way. I want to find a way to allow myself to keep Michael and also be able to move onto what our future holds with out holding onto anything negative. I hate having to juggle all of these emotions. No one should have to go through this agony and confusion. It sucks, It SUCKS, IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :.....(
It hurts. BAD! SO DAMN BAD. It never goes away, it's always there.
Some days the pain is bearable. But it is always there. Unrelenting and cruel. Pain and anger are now my enemies. I pray I am able to win this war. I know I have a lot of strong women that make up an amazing ARMY of mothers that are fighting the same battle day after day,standing along aside me, holding my hand. I know each and everyone of you out there know how I feel and can sympathize with me. It has been 4 months since we said Goodbye to him but it hurts like it was yesterday. Will there be anything left of me to give to my future? Or will I loose this battle? I am scared because from where I am sitting with a tear stained face, I don't know the answer. I want to know the answer and some days I think I do, but today is looking very grim.