I have been experiencing this a lot lately, especially over the last few days. I mean it's going to happen during the holidays when you are around a bunch of family that definitely HAS NOT been through your loss or has been even the least bit close to it! Most people don't think before they speak. Some one will say how awful their luck has been lately, or how dumb they were to have had their kids so close together, but when that subject arises, it seems a though my mind automatically switches into defense mode.
Don't tell me about bad luck! I would much rather have a flooded home with a broken garage- along with a 4 month old and being pregnant again rather than having my only child be dead!
My outlook on life is much different now. If I were lucky enough to have the sweet blessing of my first born son granted to me, then I am positive I could deal with the everyday stresses of my life falling down all around me. I would WELCOME it!! But I am not that lucky.
I dare not let people know how incredibly broken my heart is when they don't mention Michaels name or choose not to bring him up. Instead I have to put on this face of strength. This UNFAIR false mask of comfort for everyone around me, no matter who they are. I am not allowed to share the pain and hurt, nor the crazy things I come up with in my head throughout the day. I feel pretty isolated.
It's just me and Michael hanging out in our own little world right now I think.
I feel the exact same way. Thinking of you during the holiday season.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you have been through. Just know that this community is here for you and will remember Michael.
ReplyDelete~Jem (ICLW #5)
Thinking of you and Mike. I hate how easy it is for everyone else to celebrate this Christmas without our boys. We are always grief stricken and missing them but aren't always allowed to show it.
ReplyDeleteLove you
I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in such a raw and vulnerable place right now. I hope the holidays with your family are treating you more kindly than you expected. And I hope that you can find a way to show your beautiful, authentic face without masking it.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to say it gets better, but this part does not! Well, you do get more used to it. Sorry you have to listen to others gripe about little things
ReplyDeletePeople really have no grasp on what to say... I understand where your heart it... (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry you lost your little boy Michael. I found this post particularly relevant for me right now as I find myself constantly thinking to others 'when you lose your child, THEN you can come back and complain to me about your sucky life.' So far I have managed not to actually SAY it, but I think it's only a matter of time before it bursts out of me at some unsuspecting complainer.
ReplyDeleteI am shocked at how lonely this grieving process can be, and so grateful to find others that understand how I feel.
I am so sorry for your loss. Iwish I could say something, anything that would help. I wish I knew what else to say. Sorry i sthe only thing I can even think of. My heart breaks for you.
ReplyDeleteICLW #69