(the names have been changed for privacy)
We are getting by. The holidays are SO SO very hard. A hell of a lot harder than I had thought. They just won't ever be the same I don't think. I started a blog if you are interested in keeping up with us.
www.longinglivingloving.blogspot.com
I just started it but I got an award for the first couple of posts I wrote. It's pretty good I guess. Anyway, how are you and E? Are you working? How are The pups? Hawaii? What is in store for the holidays? We are going to Minnesota. Michaels headstone has been set finally, so we want to go visit and make sure it's perfect. Ughhhh! (tears) D, I'm not suppose to be visiting my son at a cemetary in Minnesota for Christmas! He should be visiting his grandparents and wearing his first snow suit! I try not to dwell on the should be's but it has been harder lately. I'm not even excited about the wedding anymore. I do have good days and spurts of good times during the bad days. I just can't seem to shake the pain that lurks in the deepest corners and creases of my heart. I know he's in a better place and that he wouldn't want me to be sad but that makes no difference to my broken heart at all. I know time heals all wounds but this may take a life time. Forgive me for making this all sad and about me but I tend to ramble when people ask how Im doing. It's become qiute a downfall for me in social situations, especially when Im asked about my personal life and family. I never shutter away from a chance to talk about Michael. Infact I think I look for them. It's not something Im proud of but that's where I am at right now. I welcome the possiblities that I may get to share him, his story and a ton of my tears. All the while these poor strangers, co-workers and sometimes friends are pretty much forced into a pretty uncomfortable situation. I know I should be more conscious of others and their feelings but Im not. Yes! It's sad and it hurts to see someone experiencing it, but it's not as uncomfortable as they are everyday they wake up without their baby. I really wish people could get that through their thick heads! Don't shun the woman with the dead baby. Let her share her child with you. Women with living babies get to post pictures and spray the good news of their babys milestones all over the place. Us on the other hand are made to feel like we have the plague or leporsy. God forbid we want to talk about our children! It's hard enough living with the pain from our loss. We don't need to feel ashamed for wanting to share our stories because in the end that is all we really have. It's that one story that we get to tell over and over when we get the chance. Our story never changes because our babies only had one experience with their bodies here on earth. They don't get to have their first Christmas or baptism. They aren't ever going to take their first steps or say their first words because they were never even given the chance to take their first breath. That all any of us really want. Well I just took a second to scroll up the page to see how much damage I have done as far as writing goes and it looks like it may be time to end it there. This is one of those letters you send and think, wow if she isn't too disturbed or freaked out by this and still speaks to me then she must definately be a good friend. By the way, I already know you are a wonderful friend and wouldn't have sent this if I thought you couldn't or wouldn't be able to handle it. I try to be as informative as I can since we are unable to hang out or talk as much as we use to. I hope that's ok. So that's how I am and what's going on in my sad little world right now. Don't get me wrong, I know this letter sounds bleak but Im not giving up! I do hope and look toward a brighter future but until then this is it. Give my best to E for me! Let me know what's up in your world sweet girl!
Leanne
www.longinglivingloving.blogspot.com
I just started it but I got an award for the first couple of posts I wrote. It's pretty good I guess. Anyway, how are you and E? Are you working? How are The pups? Hawaii? What is in store for the holidays? We are going to Minnesota. Michaels headstone has been set finally, so we want to go visit and make sure it's perfect. Ughhhh! (tears) D, I'm not suppose to be visiting my son at a cemetary in Minnesota for Christmas! He should be visiting his grandparents and wearing his first snow suit! I try not to dwell on the should be's but it has been harder lately. I'm not even excited about the wedding anymore. I do have good days and spurts of good times during the bad days. I just can't seem to shake the pain that lurks in the deepest corners and creases of my heart. I know he's in a better place and that he wouldn't want me to be sad but that makes no difference to my broken heart at all. I know time heals all wounds but this may take a life time. Forgive me for making this all sad and about me but I tend to ramble when people ask how Im doing. It's become qiute a downfall for me in social situations, especially when Im asked about my personal life and family. I never shutter away from a chance to talk about Michael. Infact I think I look for them. It's not something Im proud of but that's where I am at right now. I welcome the possiblities that I may get to share him, his story and a ton of my tears. All the while these poor strangers, co-workers and sometimes friends are pretty much forced into a pretty uncomfortable situation. I know I should be more conscious of others and their feelings but Im not. Yes! It's sad and it hurts to see someone experiencing it, but it's not as uncomfortable as they are everyday they wake up without their baby. I really wish people could get that through their thick heads! Don't shun the woman with the dead baby. Let her share her child with you. Women with living babies get to post pictures and spray the good news of their babys milestones all over the place. Us on the other hand are made to feel like we have the plague or leporsy. God forbid we want to talk about our children! It's hard enough living with the pain from our loss. We don't need to feel ashamed for wanting to share our stories because in the end that is all we really have. It's that one story that we get to tell over and over when we get the chance. Our story never changes because our babies only had one experience with their bodies here on earth. They don't get to have their first Christmas or baptism. They aren't ever going to take their first steps or say their first words because they were never even given the chance to take their first breath. That all any of us really want. Well I just took a second to scroll up the page to see how much damage I have done as far as writing goes and it looks like it may be time to end it there. This is one of those letters you send and think, wow if she isn't too disturbed or freaked out by this and still speaks to me then she must definately be a good friend. By the way, I already know you are a wonderful friend and wouldn't have sent this if I thought you couldn't or wouldn't be able to handle it. I try to be as informative as I can since we are unable to hang out or talk as much as we use to. I hope that's ok. So that's how I am and what's going on in my sad little world right now. Don't get me wrong, I know this letter sounds bleak but Im not giving up! I do hope and look toward a brighter future but until then this is it. Give my best to E for me! Let me know what's up in your world sweet girl!
Leanne
I can only imagine what she thought when she got this. But the nice thing about this entire situation is that I feel totally comfortable sending this to her. She is a wonderful, non-judgmental, child-less woman(by choice). I can send her just about anything I want and all I will hear back from her will be words of support and understanding. It's been important for me to have someone I can turn to that is pretty much unbiased to me and my grief. Someone far removed from my immediate life but at the same time so close to me personally. I feel like I say the same things to the same people around me about my sadness. I'm sure they are getting impatient with me. I would have too if I had not actually gone through the death of Michael. I am very grateful for those who are extending empathy and compassion my way. Your actions and kindness have not gone unnoticed. I haven't been too good at keeping up with the Thank yous as I well as I should. Maybe I can just add that to the list of stuff I need to work on. Its been a list in the making and it's getting longer by the day.
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