As Desperation Sets In

Its scary how a persons mind works when they are so desperate to change things in their life or how they feel. I have had an incredibly hard day today and I am not really sure why. It could be a lot of different things. What I do know is that I am so desperate to have him back. While realistically, that will never ever happen, I did the strangest thing. I actually Googled how to get my baby back. I do realize that this sounds very strange and a tad bit unhealthy but I call it desperation at it's peak. My utter desire to have Michael here with us, now, is manifesting into a deep sense of depression in my body. I am trying very hard not to let it take over my life but I cant see it getting any better.

Now, I am well aware that the majority of people out there are not necessarily interested in my bad days and really would just like for me to get over this, but guess what! I'm not over it and the death of my first born son is taking an awful toll on me. In the very beginning, I thought I was really going to make it. Now I am not so sure. Maybe this is just one of those days that you just have to get through in order to make it to the days when the pain is more tolerable. Frankly, I would rather not have to deal with any more days at all if any are like this one. I should be looking forward to a New Year, starting school again, and getting married.....but I don't want any of that. I wish I did. I wish I could muster up some sort of happiness, but all there is, is helplessness and hopelessness.

I want to turn my heart over now. I'd like to be able to just call up some company that deals in the tragic loss of children. A company that specializes in taking the broken hearts of parents off their hands. It would be a positive thing if I were able to get on this blog and tell the world that I have found some kind of lasting peace in Michaels death or that I have become so dependent on my faith in God that I am able to accept his dying for no reason, but I can't....it's not that I don't want to, but I seriously can't. I am too exhausted from the day in and day out emotional chaos that I try to keep organized, not only in my heart, but in my head too. On top of that I have to try very hard to keep M's feelings in mind as well. He lost his son too and it is not fair to be selfish! Those things in and of themselves are a lot for my little peon brain to deal with. Hats off to those that can do it, but I am not cut out for it.

I know this isn't the same "Goodbye to 2010" blog post that everyone else is posting. I just don't care what year it is anymore. 2010 or 2011, it doesn't matter! It's not going to change what happened and why in the hell does a New Year mean things will get better? I pray you all have a great year in 2011! That all your dreams, hopes and aspirations come true! As for me, all of those things died on Aug 12, 2010 and were buried in Duluth, MN on Aug.30, 2010.

Pleases Forgive ME!

I have not blogged for quite some time!

We have been on Holiday vacation on the Twin Cities, MN and the Northern Woods of Wisconsin. We will be returning to Nashville on the 2nd of Jan. While we have been here, we were able to visit Michael at the cemetery and look at his plot marker. We buried him with his grandfather, who we named our son, Michael, after in hopes that the name would live on. Now we are sadly reminded of how they both are gone and buried together when we hear or even see that name. It was a bittersweet visit.

I think I cried the hardest I have cried since I held his lifeless little body in my arms the day we got to meet him for the first time. It was excruciating to be in that cemetery and I cried, I cried loudly and my body was physically shaking. We held each other and cried together, M and I. After about 20 minutes I was terribly exhausted and couldn't cry any longer. It was the strangest yet sweetest feeling of peace that just washed over me and M. We both felt it at the same time and said, "Did you feel that?" In sync our hearts are!

I'm not sure how else to explain it, but we had a small glimmer of what it felt like to have our family united, together in one place. I have since felt much more closer to my son. He has touched my heart, down to the core of my soul. I love you and miss you every day, baby boy!

" The consolation of losing a child is that you have less fear of death for yourself." - Elizabeth Edwards

WARNING!!! Not a pretty post!

FUCK HOPE! I WANT MY SON BACK!

That is all-

The WINNER is....

Butterflymom

Send an email to leannehoovler@hotmail.com with your address so I can ship it to you. I won't be able to get it in the mail until after the 1st of Jan. We are spending the holidays up in the North Woods of Wisconsin near Hayward so I wont be home to get it sent out before then. Congratulations!!!!!!

Things You Think

but you dare not say!

I have been experiencing this a lot lately, especially over the last few days. I mean it's going to happen during the holidays when you are around a bunch of family that definitely HAS NOT been through your loss or has been even the least bit close to it! Most people don't think before they speak. Some one will say how awful their luck has been lately, or how dumb they were to have had their kids so close together, but when that subject arises, it seems a though my mind automatically switches into defense mode.

Don't tell me about bad luck! I would much rather have a flooded home with a broken garage- along with a 4 month old and being pregnant again rather than having my only child be dead!

My outlook on life is much different now. If I were lucky enough to have the sweet blessing of my first born son granted to me, then I am positive I could deal with the everyday stresses of my life falling down all around me. I would WELCOME it!! But I am not that lucky.

I dare not let people know how incredibly broken my heart is when they don't mention Michaels name or choose not to bring him up. Instead I have to put on this face of strength. This UNFAIR false mask of comfort for everyone around me, no matter who they are. I am not allowed to share the pain and hurt, nor the crazy things I come up with in my head throughout the day. I feel pretty isolated.

It's just me and Michael hanging out in our own little world right now I think.

FOR THE NEXT GIVEAWAY! Our PRIZE is...

This Willow Tree Figure, "Angels Embrace".

To enter, just post a comment on my blog telling me why you would like to have this Angel and if you were to get it where you would put it. I know that is pretty specific so if you would rather not tell me any of this that is fine too. I still need some kind of comment though. This contest isn't meant to be about what I want to know, it's really about the Christmas spirit. It's better to give than to receive! GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE! I will post the winner or winners on Christmas Eve.

The WINNER is....

I just couldn't wait until tomorrow! I had to pick and post the winners today. The winner of the ornament is.............

Antoinette

Please email me your address and the name that you would like hand painted onto the ornament. I am assuming it's Alyssa!

I chose a second number for a runner up and that winner is ..........

Brittany

You will be getting a little something for your sweet angel Serenity as well. Email me your address too please ma'am.

Congratulations LADIES!

I will be posting my next giveaway prize tomorrow! So check in and see what will be up for grabs. I hope everyone is surviving the holidays so far. My love goes out to each and everyone of you!

Another HOLIDAY Giveaway!!!!! ENTER HERE

For the next GIVEAWAY, I will be putting a frosted glass Christmas Ornament up for grabs. I have made a few of these little darlin's and have included a few pics to give you an idea of how they look. I will be handwriting any chosen name on it as well as decorating it too. There will be two more giveaways this month so keep checking in!!!

TO ENTER:

*Please become a follower and leave a comment on my blog. Tell me something about yourself and/or your family, maybe a holiday tradition or favorite activity you like.

* Post this giveaway on your FB page.

*If you already have one of these ornaments then maybe enter in for a friend.

Merry Christmas and Good LUCK! By the way if you are wondering how I choose the winner, I go to random.org and use the number generator or ask M to pick a number 1 through how ever many entries there are. The winner will be announced next Sunday, Dec. 19th!

What is WRONG?

Have you ever had a day where you felt like your entire world was going to fall apart and your brain was going to explode. Well that has been my day today! I have been on pins and needles, on the verge of completely unraveling at any given moment. Its been hard to catch my breath, near panic attack kind of anxiousness. On top of that, my eyes fill with tears at every turn. Now having one of these days isn't that surprising. I have had these physical/emotional reactions before, but I have always been able to identify the cause. Wither it was because I missed Michael, maybe bills or stress from work...but I wasn't sure what it was today. It was a feeling of fear. ALL DAY LONG!

I'm still having that feeling even though I have talked it through with M about a dozen times. He is always really good at helping me figure out just about anything. But still nothing. I'm terrified of something,but what? Maybe I'm forgetting about an important date coming up or the stress of the holidays is really starting to hit. I don't know what it is but I do know that I can't keep feeling like this. It started last night when I couldn't fall asleep. I tossed and turned, begging for sleep to come. It finally did about 3am. I hate this feeling and I hate that I cant figure it out WHY I have it even more! I need PEACE from my unrest. I need COMFORT for my sad and tormented heart. I want my SON to be here with me and his dad. I want to know WHY he had to be taken from us, and mostly there better be a DAMN good reason that he isn't here! I mean seriously!!! There has to be an earth-shattering, ground-breaking reason that we were not able to keep Michael with us. WHAT in GOD's name did we do in order to have this happen to us, but most importantly, WHY MICHAEL? I have a lot of anger that I am holding onto and I really don't know how to let it go. How do I communicate it in a way that is a healthy release.

(the glimmer of a light bulb is forming)

I am slowly realizing what I am afraid of. Tears are falling because as I type out these words and feelings of rage and sadness, I am learning why I have been feeling this way. I am scared of my anger. Im afraid of carrying it along with me into my/our future. I want my innocence back. My next pregnancy(ies) will be tainted and I am terrified of that feeling being anywhere near me while Im pregnant. I don't want to find myself holding a new baby and secretly wishing that Michael were there. I don't like sitting here, feeling this way. I want to find a way to allow myself to keep Michael and also be able to move onto what our future holds with out holding onto anything negative. I hate having to juggle all of these emotions. No one should have to go through this agony and confusion. It sucks, It SUCKS, IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :.....(

It hurts. BAD! SO DAMN BAD. It never goes away, it's always there.

Some days the pain is bearable. But it is always there. Unrelenting and cruel. Pain and anger are now my enemies. I pray I am able to win this war. I know I have a lot of strong women that make up an amazing ARMY of mothers that are fighting the same battle day after day,standing along aside me, holding my hand. I know each and everyone of you out there know how I feel and can sympathize with me. It has been 4 months since we said Goodbye to him but it hurts like it was yesterday. Will there be anything left of me to give to my future? Or will I loose this battle? I am scared because from where I am sitting with a tear stained face, I don't know the answer. I want to know the answer and some days I think I do, but today is looking very grim.

Another HOLIDAY Giveaway!!!!! ENTER HERE

For the next GIVEAWAY, I will be putting a frosted glass Christmas Ornament up for grabs. I have made a few of these little darlin's and have included a few pics to give you an idea of how they look. I will be handwriting any chosen name on it as well as decorating it too. There will be two more giveaways this month so keep checking in!!!

TO ENTER:

*Please become a follower and leave a comment on my blog. Tell me something about yourself and/or your family, maybe a holiday tradition or favorite activity you like.

*If you already have one of these ornaments then maybe enter in for a friend.

Merry Christmas and Good LUCK! By the way if you are wondering how I choose the winner, I go to random.org and use the number generator or ask M to pick a number 1 through how ever many entries there are. The winner will be announced next Sunday, Dec. 19th!

WINNERS

The WINNERS are.....

Heather and Jknock

Congratulations ladies!!!! Please email me your addresses and I will get your prizes in the mail next week!

leannehoovler@hotmail.com

Moving On?

Why and how is one suppose to incorporate the phrase or action of "moving on" into their lives? Especially after the loss of our baby. This is a question that has frequently passed in and out of my mind lately along with the myriads of hopeful, anxious, sad and fearful feelings to go along with it. What will moving on consist of for me? If you were to ask some random person from off the street their answer would differ from mine or from anyone who has lost a child. "Normal" people would probably give a generic answer. Something like "out with the old, in with the new". But not me. I like the old. I miss the old and I am terrified of the new. I don't want to just toss the old out like it's some meaningless transaction of time and lost person. The old was stable and planned. There were expectations to have and goals to meet. How are we going to move on from that?

We have had a few Christmas parties to attend lately. It's been nice to go and pretend that I am not a broken spirit under the make up and all the weight I have lost since Michael was born. But I always wonder out of all the people we come in contact with, how many of them know? What do they think about me being out and trying to act like I'm ok? Am I acting like I'm ok or can they sense my intense and uncomfortable awkwardness. It's like I'm moving through the motions trying not to feel self-conscious but all the while I'm wishing I was in the back kitchen washing dishes, not having to be social. The expectations and goals have changed from what they once were. I can no longer take comfort in the thought of going out into public looking like crap because I have been up all night with my baby because, I don't have a baby. Now I have to put a lot of effort into going out into public. The old thoughts of being able to stay home from the parties this year to take care of him are no more, instead we are attending them trying to look like we are not letting the loss of our son kill us. God I pray I am able to pull it off this year and in the years to come.

The holiday spirit just isn't around for me right now, its kind of just numbness. Maybe that is what my moving on will be. NUMB. I don't want that though. I still have the hopes of other children in our lives. I don't want to be numb for them. They deserve to have an amazing Mom that loves to celebrate the holidays. I guess my moving on is still up in the air and can really be whatever I want it to be. Michael doesn't want us to be unavailable for his brothers and sisters and he sure wouldn't want us to give up on everything. Incorporating the action of moving on really is just a matter of moving through. Moving through the pain, moving through the grief, and the injustice that I feel every second of everyday is my moving on. Being able to move through this season of my life is imperative for the next one to come. I'm not leaving anything behind or letting go of the old. It's coming with me. Were are simply moving on the way we can and know how.

BLOG Giveaway!!!! Enter here..

My BLOG GIVEAWAY!!! Enter here!!!

In memory of my precious baby boy Michael Francis, I have decided to have a few giveaways over the next few weeks before Christmas. This first giveaway is for a book by one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth McCracken. The book is titled "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination". In order to enter just leave me a comment on one of my blog entries and become a follower too! You can also post this Giveaway on your FB or your blog. I will announce the first winner on Sunday Dec. 12th, Michaels 4 month angelversary.

My BLOG GIVEAWAY!!! Enter here!!!

In memory of my precious baby boy Michael Francis, I have decided to have a few giveaways over the next few weeks before Christmas. This first giveaway is for a book by one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth McCracken. The book is titled "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination". In order to enter just leave me a comment on one of my blog entries and become a follower too! You can also post this Giveaway on your FB or your blog. I will announce the first winner on Sunday Dec. 12th, Michaels 4 month angelversary.

A Letter to the Friend of a BLM

Poor, poor D! I am sure she wasn't expecting the vast email I sent her today in response to the short one lined sentence she sent me asking me how I was doing. This is what that dear girl had to encounter when she got the RE:

(the names have been changed for privacy)

We are getting by. The holidays are SO SO very hard. A hell of a lot harder than I had thought. They just won't ever be the same I don't think. I started a blog if you are interested in keeping up with us.

www.longinglivingloving.blogspot.com

I just started it but I got an award for the first couple of posts I wrote. It's pretty good I guess. Anyway, how are you and E? Are you working? How are The pups? Hawaii? What is in store for the holidays? We are going to Minnesota. Michaels headstone has been set finally, so we want to go visit and make sure it's perfect. Ughhhh! (tears) D, I'm not suppose to be visiting my son at a cemetary in Minnesota for Christmas! He should be visiting his grandparents and wearing his first snow suit! I try not to dwell on the should be's but it has been harder lately. I'm not even excited about the wedding anymore. I do have good days and spurts of good times during the bad days. I just can't seem to shake the pain that lurks in the deepest corners and creases of my heart. I know he's in a better place and that he wouldn't want me to be sad but that makes no difference to my broken heart at all. I know time heals all wounds but this may take a life time. Forgive me for making this all sad and about me but I tend to ramble when people ask how Im doing. It's become qiute a downfall for me in social situations, especially when Im asked about my personal life and family. I never shutter away from a chance to talk about Michael. Infact I think I look for them. It's not something Im proud of but that's where I am at right now. I welcome the possiblities that I may get to share him, his story and a ton of my tears. All the while these poor strangers, co-workers and sometimes friends are pretty much forced into a pretty uncomfortable situation. I know I should be more conscious of others and their feelings but Im not. Yes! It's sad and it hurts to see someone experiencing it, but it's not as uncomfortable as they are everyday they wake up without their baby. I really wish people could get that through their thick heads! Don't shun the woman with the dead baby. Let her share her child with you. Women with living babies get to post pictures and spray the good news of their babys milestones all over the place. Us on the other hand are made to feel like we have the plague or leporsy. God forbid we want to talk about our children! It's hard enough living with the pain from our loss. We don't need to feel ashamed for wanting to share our stories because in the end that is all we really have. It's that one story that we get to tell over and over when we get the chance. Our story never changes because our babies only had one experience with their bodies here on earth. They don't get to have their first Christmas or baptism. They aren't ever going to take their first steps or say their first words because they were never even given the chance to take their first breath. That all any of us really want. Well I just took a second to scroll up the page to see how much damage I have done as far as writing goes and it looks like it may be time to end it there. This is one of those letters you send and think, wow if she isn't too disturbed or freaked out by this and still speaks to me then she must definately be a good friend. By the way, I already know you are a wonderful friend and wouldn't have sent this if I thought you couldn't or wouldn't be able to handle it. I try to be as informative as I can since we are unable to hang out or talk as much as we use to. I hope that's ok. So that's how I am and what's going on in my sad little world right now. Don't get me wrong, I know this letter sounds bleak but Im not giving up! I do hope and look toward a brighter future but until then this is it. Give my best to E for me! Let me know what's up in your world sweet girl!
Leanne

I can only imagine what she thought when she got this. But the nice thing about this entire situation is that I feel totally comfortable sending this to her. She is a wonderful, non-judgmental, child-less woman(by choice). I can send her just about anything I want and all I will hear back from her will be words of support and understanding. It's been important for me to have someone I can turn to that is pretty much unbiased to me and my grief. Someone far removed from my immediate life but at the same time so close to me personally. I feel like I say the same things to the same people around me about my sadness. I'm sure they are getting impatient with me. I would have too if I had not actually gone through the death of Michael. I am very grateful for those who are extending empathy and compassion my way. Your actions and kindness have not gone unnoticed. I haven't been too good at keeping up with the Thank yous as I well as I should. Maybe I can just add that to the list of stuff I need to work on. Its been a list in the making and it's getting longer by the day.

Roller Coaster Weekend

This weekend has been quite an emotional one for this household. We have experienced a comedian that thought a joke about a still born baby was appropriate, a major freak out break down, an entire day in bed- dirty hair, unbrushed teeth, didn't eat or drink anything all day kind of day in bed, a complete sense of giving up and wanting the world to carry on with out me. I am choosing not to relive that heart breaking experience. I am afraid to allow those feelings to resurface again. It's amazing how a group of words can hurt so much that you actually have the thought of giving up on life. Not in the sense of suicide, I'm not that sick- well not yet. I mean I actually toyed with the idea of running away from my life here with M to some convent in the woods or maybe a commune in the desert. Somewhere that no one knew me and I could just be off the grid for the rest of my life.

I tend to allow my emotions to get the best of me. It's a horrible cycle of irrational thinking that makes everything a hell of a lot worse than it ever needed to be. While I am the mess of depressed mood swings, M is the logical/positive one that is refusing to put up with anymore of my needless bouts of negativity and anger. I am no longer the strong partner he once had before Michael died. He is tired and worn down. Lately- I go to work, come home, say a few words and thats about it. I get upset because our friends announced their pregnancy, and cry uncontrollably because our son isn't here, I also tend to deflect these feelings as anger. I want my feelings to be felt by all, I want everyone to know how awful I feel. In doing that, I hurt the people that mean the most to me. This is a repetitive behavior of mine when I have a crisis in my life and I have never been able to figure out why I do this or how I can break the habit. I am sure it has something to do with my lack of motivation to get over the death of my son and the injustice that has taken place in my life. I often have a selfish out look on loosing Michael- there I go again with the "loosing Michael" bit, I know where he is.....he isn't lost, he's dead.

It's like I have blinders on while we grieve our son. I am truly unable to see M's hurt and grief. I don't think he has really had any time to grieve because he's been too busy trying to hold me and our life together. There was a huge part of my heart that died when Michael died. It was the part that held the love and hope that I had for our family. That has been taken away, and it is causing a serious defect in how I run the rest of my life these days. I know I need to work on making a serious effort to get over this and get on with my life for our families sake. That is, if it's possible!

You know that old saying, "Children don't come with manuals when they are born."

Well you don't get one when they die either!

That was the down part of the weekend....On a more positive note, I spent the day today baking cookies. I had a dream about Michael last night. Each time I dream about him he is the age that he would be if he were here. In the dream last night he was about 4 months old. He was a giggly, smiling, FAT little boy. He had on an outfit with dinosaurs on it that we got as a baby shower gift. The dream wasn't set up on a time line. It was just a vast period of time that I was able to spend with my sweet, sweet, darling boy. I woke up this morning a little happier and decided to do something nice for us. So I made cookies all day long! M and I iced and decorated them together, drank hot cocoa and had a good day. Now we have 3 dozen cookies that need to be eaten.

AWARD WINNING Blog!!!

WOW! I got the Cherry on Top award today from 2 of the most wonderful ladies I have ever met. Thank you Angie and Angela! You both made my day a little brighter:)

The rules of this award are:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

I'd like to pass it along to

1.Andrea at i wish you love

2.Heather at her blog

3.Annette at Valentina in the Sky

4.Amanda at This girl will never be the same

5.Kevin at Life Askew

Dust Gathering

I was getting ready this morning and happened to look over at Michaels crib. I guess I should start by telling you about this room I that I was in. We remodeled one of our spare bedrooms into my dressing room about 6 months before we found out we were pregnant. It was painted the most beautiful shade of Tea Rose Pink. Mike designed the layout and picked the crown molding. I had a huge closet for just my things, a vanity where I could store all of my makeup, hair designing utensils and everything a girl has to have to smell like a flower dipped in figs and vanilla brown sugar.

It was a room fit for a queen, that is- until we found out we were going to have a prince! I was so excited to give up "My Room" for our baby boy. We quickly painted and moved all of my furniture out to move Michaels crib and changing table in. Well everything except for my vanity. Michael was still going to have to share his room with his Mommy for a while until he had stopped breastfeeding or he kicked Mommy out because there wasn't enough room for his trucks and dinosaurs. So this morning I was getting ready and looked over at his crib. I was heartbroken by what I saw. Dust was gathering on the edges of his crib. I freaked! I began sobbing uncontrollably. I could barley breathe because I felt this extreme sense of guilt had just punched me in the stomach. How could I let this happen, what kind of mother lets her (dead) baby's crib get dusty and dirty. Then came this excruciating realization that will haunt me for the rest of life! Is this what it's like when someone is forgotten? Does the dust just come in and cover the memory of the greatest little human being ever created? Is this what Michael is becoming to people, just dust gathering on an empty crib where our baby should be right now? My day was automatically shattered! I so badly wanted to call into work and tell them to SUCK IT, I had better things to do with my time like start a huge Memorial Campaign for my son that was soon to be forgotten if I didn't take drastic measures. But I didn't do that. I sadly and heart-brokenly wiped the dust from every inch of his crib, crying the entire time.

Somehow it was a little better when I was done, knowing that as long as I am alive- his memory will be too. As long as his Dad and I are around to wipe the dust away he will never be forgotten, by us. And really when you think about it, we are the only ones who really matter when it comes to him. When we die, we will no longer need his memory to go on because he will be with us again.