Faces Writing Challenge

At the time that Michael died, I was in a daze. A serine yet psychotic state of mind. My brain really shut down and I was emotionally absent from this Earth. It was hard to really tell who was being a good friend or who was just absent. I do remember the kind faces of my loving mother, step-dad, and supportive aunts!

They gathered around M and I with such heartfelt love and tender whispers of comfort. I was pretty much bed ridden for the first couple of days as I recovered from the surgery so cooking and cleaning was out of the question. My mom and her sister, my Aunt Shell, as I call her, had been at our home cleaning and cooking the day that I was discharged from the hospital. It was so nice to come home to a spotless home that smelled like lavender and the family lasagna.

I know that it may sound weird or gross to some people but it was the most comforting and nostalgic smell I could have had surrounding me. My mom had also asked me before I got home if she could spend some time in the nursery. I was nervous about letting her pack up the things that we would no longer need, but I was so distraught that M and I both thought it would be best if she did it because if we had to do it we both may have just gone off the deep end. I didn't think I was strong enough to have to do all of that packing so I didn't. However we did not want the crib, changing table or rocker taken down and to this day it is still where we left it.

My mother, step-dad and my aunt bought some large Tupperware containers and thoughtfully packed all of the diapers, blankets, onesies, booties, and jumpers up. I haven't thought of what they must have talked about or how many millions of tears that fell that day while they took on that torturous task. The tears are falling like crazy and my heart is being ripped apart all over again just thinking about it. I sometimes wonder if I should have let them leave that task up to me, but I don't know if I would still be here if I would have. I don't know if I ever truly thanked them for doing that.

That night Aunt Shell and my mom shaved my legs for me while I was in bed since I couldn't get into the bathtub or bend down much in the shower. My mom did one leg and my aunt did the other. It was a simple task but it was very appreciated! They rubbed lotion on my legs after they were done. The entire time they took care of me they were so sweet and kind. I could have never imagined that the visit they made was to help me plan my sons funeral in sorrow, and not to help us welcome him home with joy. I remember feeling guilty a few weeks later that their trip was for such a sad reason, but while they were here I felt their pure love.

I WONDER.....

I just came across this today. I wrote it only a few days after coming home from the hospital. Missing my boy today!

I WONDER......

What you would look like with chocolate on your face, or if you would cry when you fell down after taking your first steps?

What color are your eyes little man, would you have light or dark hair when you got older?

Did you suffer the day you slipped away or did you fall sweetly into God's hands?

Do you know how much we wanted you and the love that surrounds your memory?

There isn't a day that doesnt go by that I wonder

Face2Face GIVEAWAY!!!

I have decided to become the Face2Face Friendships Group leader for the Nashville area. In order to raise awareness for this fantastic support group/resource, I have decided to host a give away. The winner(s) will have a chance to win a copy of the book "We Were Going to Have a Baby, But we Had an Angle Instead" and/or "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". To enter, just post the link for the

F2F Nashville Group on your blog and/or FB page. Each post will be counted as 1 vote. Just be sure to let me know where you posted them by leaving a comment on the F2F Nashville Facebook wall. You can also just leave a nice comment, inspirational quote, or something about your little one(s) on the F2F Nashville wall. Good luck ladies! I will announce the winner(s) next weekend on the F2F Nashville FB page when I post the meetings/ event schedule.

So AMAZING!

I got this poem from Rebecca who got it from Franchesca! I fell in love with it and just had to share it. Just another little thing to give us some HOPE.

A Different Child by Pandora MacMillian

People notice

There's a special glow around you.

As you grow

Surrounded by love,

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes

Between the smiles

There's a trace of tears,

One day

You'll understand.

You'll understand

There was once another child

A different child

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes

That child will never keep them up at night

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever

How infinitely precious

How infinitely fragile

Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother's tears

Another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone

Will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,

You will tell them

With great compassion,

"I know how you feel.

I'm only here

Because my mother tried again.

I AM STILL HERE!!! This is a heavy POST...

Well I have made it through the first 2 weeks of school and I am still here. I miss all of you and have tried to keep up with you as well as I can in between studying for Adv. Patho., Pharm., Lab, Skills, and 2 more religion classes. I go to a private Catholic College so Learning in the Dominican Tradition and Intro. to Christian Beliefs are classes that I am able to take.

We have had 1 major test and 4 quizzes in 2 weeks. Out of those grade, I made 3 A's, yes I made an A on my first test, and 2 B's. I was going to write at the end of last week but I was so overwhelmed I decided not to. This week I am a little more accustomed to the schedule and the expectations as well.

There have been a few days that I have felt overcome with grief. It's so hard to allow myself to go with it since I have to sit through 4 hour long lectures. There are a few classmates that I have gotten close to and THANK GOD they are so encouraging. I am very lucky to have made friends with 2 of the most compassionate ladies I have ever met. After sharing what we have gone through after Michaels death, they have really embraced me and my grief. Last week was hard and there were a few days that I was just so upset, but these girls really stepped up and gave me the hugs I needed and shoulders to cry on. I was able to open up to them and express the emotions I was having at the moment I was having them. It was a relief and a blessing.

I have known one of the girls for over a year, so they aren't total strangers. Her name is R. She is a breast cancer survivor and we hung out a few times while I was pregnant and during her chemo and radiation treatments. The other girl, her name is B, and I hit it off right away. You know there are just some people you can connect with. Needless to say, they have been placed in my life for a reason.

So, one of my other classmates is pregnant and has a few children already. For me, it's not a big deal, well it wasn't a big deal until she started making comments about being an incubator and not a mother. This just so happened to take place on one of my sad days, so I am sure I was hypersensitive. I really wanted to say something but I decided it would be better if I didn't. I wasn't mad and it didn't hurt my feelings. I really can't explain how it made me feel, but I remember that I didn't like it. Maybe I was envious of her. Jealous of what I didn't have anymore. Now every time I hear her talking, I cringe.

It's been 5 months since we met Michael and had to say goodbye at the same time. I still feel like it was a dream. I was taking a bath last night after a pretty long day. As soon as I started to splash water onto my stomach and chest I realized why I had not taken a bath in such a long time. Michael loved the water! I was a pretty avid swimmer and took a ton of Water Aerobics classes during my pregnancy. He always got really active when I was in the bath tub or swam. Taking a bath was always really special for me. I would sing to him because it was the only time I thought I had a pretty singing voice, so I would sing my little heart out to him while pouring water onto my expanding belly. Just watching him move to the sound of my voice and the water was the ultimate bonding experience for me. M would always come into the bathroom if he heard us and would join in too. Well I wasn't singing last night, but I guess out of habit he came into the bathroom while I was in the bath. As he was sitting next to me, I could see the tears in his eyes. He was looking at my body, my stomach.

The place where our son was for 9 months, was now, no longer there. The domicile for our precious baby boy that M had connected with on a daily, no hourly basis was in fact gone. I know I have said this before but Dads have to have it the worst. We, as women have the chance to physically bond with our children, where men only get to see our bodies change. They have to somehow process the correlation of our growing wombs and belly's, to the arrival of their long awaited son/daughter in order to build any kind of physical relationship with them. Granted there are other ways they can bond, but the most tangible and realistic has to be the divine metamorphic properties of the mothers body.

That was the first time we had been in the bathroom, in the tub together since Michael was born. There were no more sounds of me singing or vast movements of my swollen belly because the reason for both of these was now in the arms of God. The little life that M and I had spent so much time with in that tub was not there anymore. He is gone, along with a huge part of our hearts. UGGH! I could see the hurt and surprise on M's face. I don't think he quite expected that heavy of a reaction to take place inside of him. But neither did I! We didn't have to say anything to one another. Like a perfectly orchestrated movement, I lifted myself out of the water as he went to get my towel. In perfect silence he helped me out of the bath and into bed. We both laid down together and were heartbroken all over again, experiencing the same exact emotions at the same time. Even though it was brutally painful, it was so beautiful how in sync our hearts were. It is just amazing how much communication can take place in silence, especially with someone you are so connected to.

I miss my little boy more and more each day, but I know God has a plan for us and for him as well. Only faith can get us through this and onto the next phase of our lives. I remember I blogged a post a few months ago the said FUCK HOPE, I want my son back. This is not that post today. I do have hope, some days. That is what keeps us going I think. Faith, HOPE and Charity...these are the 3 virtues that allows us to share in God's nature. Not to be all preachy but this has helped me come to be at peace at little more.

Postpartum depression

No More FB, It's Off To School I Go!

Well folks, in order to make my life a little more stressful, I have gone back to school! In order to maximize my success in these endeavors, I deactivated my FB account and plan to blog only about once a week.

One of my nursing instructors told us that these next 2 years were going to be challenging and life changing. I wanted to stand up and tell her all about the past 5 months that have been challenging and life changing for me. There is nothing she nor any other teacher can throw at me that I won't be able to handle.

As far as the next 2 years go, not only will I be traveling down the dark paths of grief, but I will be fiercely trying to heal and become an advocate for other women, pregnant women. At the same time I will be traveling onto a career in Nurse Midwifery.

In 3 years, I hope to be able to care for women and their families no matter what the out come of their pregnancy is. I hope to be on the happier side of it most days. So, not only will I be blogging about the still unrealistic loss of my son, I will also be expressing my feeling and thoughts of how this broken and battered momma is transforming herself into not only a Midwife, but a caring and compassionate purpose!

I feel this purpose was given to me, I was called not only to carry Michael for the short time we had together, but I was also called to be a care giver. My purpose is to one day have the honor to show love and empathy to the mothers and families who need it most.

I miss Michael every day, and it still hurts! It will be 5 months on the 12th, but I know my little boy is with me every minute of every day. As the tears fall now while I type, I know my precious son came to us for a reason.

I have chosen to make that reason a positive thing, not only for my well being, but in order to make a difference in peoples lives. To touch people at the heart of their lives, where it means the most. And all the while, I will be honoring Michael.

I will be keeping his memory alive in my heart, through the strength that I will carry with me because of him. I am forever grateful for Michaels' presence in my life. I am thankful that God sent him to us for what ever reason he had. But I am most grateful that I can now see a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Dont get me wrong, there is still a tremendous amount of pain, guilt and despair that I am dealing with and most likely will have to continue to deal with for a very long time. But because of Michael, I will be able to care for women and families that experience loss in a very special way. In some cases I will be able to know what they are feeling at the moment they feel it. I will have the ability to look into the eyes of any broken hearted mother that comes my way and say I know how you feel and actually mean it.

So now with tear stained eyes I am off to the library to study about 16 chapters in various different classes. Thank you to you all that come across my blog and will continue to keep up with my journey. Please forgive me if I do not stop by and comment on your blogs once and a while. Just know that I do read and am thinking of you. Any prayers that you can say for us are greatly needed and appreciated!