As Desperation Sets In

Its scary how a persons mind works when they are so desperate to change things in their life or how they feel. I have had an incredibly hard day today and I am not really sure why. It could be a lot of different things. What I do know is that I am so desperate to have him back. While realistically, that will never ever happen, I did the strangest thing. I actually Googled how to get my baby back. I do realize that this sounds very strange and a tad bit unhealthy but I call it desperation at it's peak. My utter desire to have Michael here with us, now, is manifesting into a deep sense of depression in my body. I am trying very hard not to let it take over my life but I cant see it getting any better.

Now, I am well aware that the majority of people out there are not necessarily interested in my bad days and really would just like for me to get over this, but guess what! I'm not over it and the death of my first born son is taking an awful toll on me. In the very beginning, I thought I was really going to make it. Now I am not so sure. Maybe this is just one of those days that you just have to get through in order to make it to the days when the pain is more tolerable. Frankly, I would rather not have to deal with any more days at all if any are like this one. I should be looking forward to a New Year, starting school again, and getting married.....but I don't want any of that. I wish I did. I wish I could muster up some sort of happiness, but all there is, is helplessness and hopelessness.

I want to turn my heart over now. I'd like to be able to just call up some company that deals in the tragic loss of children. A company that specializes in taking the broken hearts of parents off their hands. It would be a positive thing if I were able to get on this blog and tell the world that I have found some kind of lasting peace in Michaels death or that I have become so dependent on my faith in God that I am able to accept his dying for no reason, but I can't....it's not that I don't want to, but I seriously can't. I am too exhausted from the day in and day out emotional chaos that I try to keep organized, not only in my heart, but in my head too. On top of that I have to try very hard to keep M's feelings in mind as well. He lost his son too and it is not fair to be selfish! Those things in and of themselves are a lot for my little peon brain to deal with. Hats off to those that can do it, but I am not cut out for it.

I know this isn't the same "Goodbye to 2010" blog post that everyone else is posting. I just don't care what year it is anymore. 2010 or 2011, it doesn't matter! It's not going to change what happened and why in the hell does a New Year mean things will get better? I pray you all have a great year in 2011! That all your dreams, hopes and aspirations come true! As for me, all of those things died on Aug 12, 2010 and were buried in Duluth, MN on Aug.30, 2010.

Pleases Forgive ME!

I have not blogged for quite some time!

We have been on Holiday vacation on the Twin Cities, MN and the Northern Woods of Wisconsin. We will be returning to Nashville on the 2nd of Jan. While we have been here, we were able to visit Michael at the cemetery and look at his plot marker. We buried him with his grandfather, who we named our son, Michael, after in hopes that the name would live on. Now we are sadly reminded of how they both are gone and buried together when we hear or even see that name. It was a bittersweet visit.

I think I cried the hardest I have cried since I held his lifeless little body in my arms the day we got to meet him for the first time. It was excruciating to be in that cemetery and I cried, I cried loudly and my body was physically shaking. We held each other and cried together, M and I. After about 20 minutes I was terribly exhausted and couldn't cry any longer. It was the strangest yet sweetest feeling of peace that just washed over me and M. We both felt it at the same time and said, "Did you feel that?" In sync our hearts are!

I'm not sure how else to explain it, but we had a small glimmer of what it felt like to have our family united, together in one place. I have since felt much more closer to my son. He has touched my heart, down to the core of my soul. I love you and miss you every day, baby boy!

" The consolation of losing a child is that you have less fear of death for yourself." - Elizabeth Edwards

WARNING!!! Not a pretty post!

FUCK HOPE! I WANT MY SON BACK!

That is all-

The WINNER is....

Butterflymom

Send an email to leannehoovler@hotmail.com with your address so I can ship it to you. I won't be able to get it in the mail until after the 1st of Jan. We are spending the holidays up in the North Woods of Wisconsin near Hayward so I wont be home to get it sent out before then. Congratulations!!!!!!

Things You Think

but you dare not say!

I have been experiencing this a lot lately, especially over the last few days. I mean it's going to happen during the holidays when you are around a bunch of family that definitely HAS NOT been through your loss or has been even the least bit close to it! Most people don't think before they speak. Some one will say how awful their luck has been lately, or how dumb they were to have had their kids so close together, but when that subject arises, it seems a though my mind automatically switches into defense mode.

Don't tell me about bad luck! I would much rather have a flooded home with a broken garage- along with a 4 month old and being pregnant again rather than having my only child be dead!

My outlook on life is much different now. If I were lucky enough to have the sweet blessing of my first born son granted to me, then I am positive I could deal with the everyday stresses of my life falling down all around me. I would WELCOME it!! But I am not that lucky.

I dare not let people know how incredibly broken my heart is when they don't mention Michaels name or choose not to bring him up. Instead I have to put on this face of strength. This UNFAIR false mask of comfort for everyone around me, no matter who they are. I am not allowed to share the pain and hurt, nor the crazy things I come up with in my head throughout the day. I feel pretty isolated.

It's just me and Michael hanging out in our own little world right now I think.

FOR THE NEXT GIVEAWAY! Our PRIZE is...

This Willow Tree Figure, "Angels Embrace".

To enter, just post a comment on my blog telling me why you would like to have this Angel and if you were to get it where you would put it. I know that is pretty specific so if you would rather not tell me any of this that is fine too. I still need some kind of comment though. This contest isn't meant to be about what I want to know, it's really about the Christmas spirit. It's better to give than to receive! GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE! I will post the winner or winners on Christmas Eve.

The WINNER is....

I just couldn't wait until tomorrow! I had to pick and post the winners today. The winner of the ornament is.............

Antoinette

Please email me your address and the name that you would like hand painted onto the ornament. I am assuming it's Alyssa!

I chose a second number for a runner up and that winner is ..........

Brittany

You will be getting a little something for your sweet angel Serenity as well. Email me your address too please ma'am.

Congratulations LADIES!

I will be posting my next giveaway prize tomorrow! So check in and see what will be up for grabs. I hope everyone is surviving the holidays so far. My love goes out to each and everyone of you!