A New Semester and the Grief Continues

So today was a whirl wind. I began my 2nd semester of school...OB/Peds. Not too crazy about the test given 2 days before the semester even began, but hey...what can you do except do your best and move on, hopefully. It was a busy day but the second I actually got to sit down, alone, my mind was right back in the middle of my grief and I was sobbing- missing my sweet baby.

I can handle the tears and the heartache. It's not fun and it hurts like hell, but I can do that. What I can't stand though, is the fact that I have loads of work for school piling up on top of my part time job and the tutoring that I will be doing for 1st semester students. The semester hasn't even officially begun yet and there is actually no time for me to be able to grieve. The tears and emotions I can juggle, but time is of the essence. I guess being a BLM, you not only have to deal with life, your loss and grief, but you get the added bonus of having to schedule your grief in the midst of it all. I guess that is just another one of the major disadvantages of loosing a little one. I can't spend too much time here because I have too much else I need to be doing, but I have to do something to process these feelings so here I am.

God I would give anything to be elbow deep in a 1 year old little boys needs and messes right now, instead of wading knee deep in grief. It would be easier to have all of the stuff I have to do now with him here than to be stuck where I am right now. Not a good day today folks.

I found this from Oct. 15th, 2010

I am having one of those days today. I had a dream about Michael last night. He was alive and I was holding him in our rocking chair. He was swaddled in the amazing blue blanket with is name sewn in it that Mike and I got for a baby shower gift. I was carefully taking in every minute of our time together, because somehow within the dream, I knew he was dead, but I swear this imaginary state of mind could not have felt more real. I could smell him, that sweet baby powder smell, almost as if the dream had started the moment after I had bathed him, changed his diaper, and soothed him with heavenly lotion. I could feel his warm soft skin, his hair on my cheek as I pulled him close to me and embraced his tender little body. I gently tucked my finger into his little hand and I could feel each one of his fingers grasping it. His skin was pressed firmly to mine and I felt that deep sensation of safety and warmth, the emotional connection that you are suppose to have with a living, breathing child. Every movement that we had together during that special visit, he made just for me. I heard him laugh, coo and he was even opening his eyes as wide as he could. I just stared into them, so full of life, and drank in that eye to eye connection that I never got to experience the day he was born. God he was....no is so beautiful. I have been praying for one of these dreams where he would come to say hello, but now that I am awake and I realize that it was all a dream....its pretty bittersweet. I am grateful for that dream, but I am so utterly distraught at the fact that I will never get to experience those real, intense and perfect moments with my little boy because he is dead. I know his spirit is being taken care of, but it does nothing for the raw and carnal emotions I have to want to nurture, feed and hold my baby. Today is suppose to be a day to remember him and the rest of the precious ones that have gone before us, and I will, but mostly today I am grieving the loss of what was expected for me and my child. All the moments I was suppose to be holding him, just like in my dream. I will be spending this day in an empty nursery, rocking in our rocking chair, holding a small blue corduroy bear wrapped in a blanket that Mike and I got for a baby shower gift with the name Michael sewn into it.

In memory of our son.....

We would love to include you all in the celebration of our sweet little boy's life, so we invite you to help us make another little baby's life better. Mike and I are asking that if you are close to us and would like to show us some love and support on this day, then please donate the gift that you would have given Michael to a local non-profit organization, called Mother to Mother. They help new families in Nashville provide some of the basic essentials for their newborns if they are unable to. There is also an option to make a monetary donation via PayPal if you are not in the area.

If not, then just take a picture of something that reminds you of Michael and post it here. We are planning a quite day, just the 2 of us together. After purchasing some things that we would have liked to have gotten for Michael, we will tag the gifts with a small "In loving memory of MFL,II" sticker and take them to the Mother to Mother office.

If you want to donate an actual gift, but live far away, you can have things sent to our home and we will take them to the Mother to Mother office on Michael's birthday (Aug. 12th) with all of the other stuff we plan to take. Our address is 1712 Ordway Place Nashville TN 37206

For those of you who have growing little ones, we can take gently used clothing and other baby items if you have some that you would like to donate. If you are in the area, Mike and I will be available to pick these items up from your home or office if it would help you get your donations to the Mother to Mother office and families. Contact me and we can set up a pickup place and time that is convenient for you.

Here is a link for more information about the Mother to Mother program..

http://www.mothertomotheri​nc.org/wish-list.php


And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” Luke 23:43