Right Where I AM- 9Months 3Weeks and 5Days

I decided to join in on the "Right Where I Am" blog project by writing my first letter to Michael-

To my sweet Michael

Well baby boy, it has been almost 10 months since your Dad and I had to say our hellos and goodbyes to you. Everyday of these last 10 months have been the hardest days of my life. There have been some happy moments mixed in, but mostly sad and bittersweetness. The 9 months we had you here with us were the happiest I have ever been. As I sit here late at night while the rest of the house is fast asleep, I am thinking about all of the memories we should be making. Instead of holding you close and spending sweet alone time with you, I am alone with only tears and your unforgettable memory sweet boy. Your Dad and I have tried to make you so proud of us. We both miss you and wanted so much more for you and your life. You deserved better! You didn't deserve to die so soon. Our hearts are broken by your absence, but mostly because we can't do anything to change it for you. We had so much love to give to you...we still do, but I think we have a hard time figuring out how to express it to you and to each other.

I imagine by now you would be trying to crawl. For some reason I think you would be walking before you turned a year old too! I try to picture who you would look like, but you looked like both of us when you were born, so I have a hard time seeing your growing face. I think that is the hardest thing that I am having to come to grips with. We can't watch you grow up or change, progress, succeed or fail. To us you will always be a baby. I try to think of you as the age you should be, but again I have a hard time seeing you as something you never were and will never get the chance to be. I wish there was some way we could send our love to you. Maybe a love courier with a confirmation return to let us know that you got it.

You as an abstract person/spirit is so unfamiliar to me. I have had such a difficult time knowing how you NOW fit into my life and what I can do to try and keep you and your memory alive- in our family. As much as it feels so good to be writing this letter to you Angel Bear, it hurts too because you are not here to get it. You will never get to feel us hug you or taste ice cream.

For now darling boy, I hope you can cut your dear Mom some slack while I try to figure all of this out. I wasn't prepared to raise you as a memory, I was prepared to raise you as a rambunctious little boy. This is all a work in progress. You still deserve to be loved with all of the love that we have for you. You are always with us Michael, and you will never be forgotten!

-Longing to hold you in my arms,

Love,

Mommy